The Return of the King

Actually it's just me, but since it has been awhile I figured a splashy headline was necessary. I have been MIA these last couple of months due to the ever evolving life that I lead.

For those that remember, the last time we spoke, I hated my job. Well I am happy to report that I still hate my job, but atleast I now get to do full time trials. As such, I get a case on a Wednesday the week before it is supposed to go to trial. Then, I prep the bad boy and take it to trial. It is a pretty sweet gig if I do say so myself.

This role started almost a month ago when I was given a trial against an old nemesis who I swear to god looks like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons except with less hair on the top of his head. (He rocks a sweet pony tail.) Anyway, this attorney and I have had our share of terse moments in the past, which were highlighted by me once asking him if he would like to step outside the courtroom to settle this like men. (I believe at this point, I was a little too into Deadwood.) Of course, my office was fully aware of my past problems with the old dungeon master, but in their infinite wisdom, decided that my first trial should be against someone that I truly despise. A real good versus evil moment I guess.

Now usually, trials in my office last a week, maybe two, but never more than three unless of course you are me. Instead of the normal timeline for the case, I am happy to report that I spent the last four weeks on trial, which meant that basically, I spent four weeks with my good friend.

Now, four weeks of trial would be enough to drive any person insane, but then you add the fact that Comic Book tool is a snake who stretches the boundaries of the law at any time he can. As a result, I spent four weeks on edge waiting for the snake to pull some of his usual bull shit, which he did whenever he felt he needed to wiggle something in past the supervision of the Court. For example, having his client, thank each of the members of the jury everyday when they left Court. Something that is patently improper.

Anyway, the case itself involved a ceiling collapse in a building that was in such a state of disrepair that from the second I opened my mouth to when I closed in the first part of the case, the jury hated me. I mean this place had rats, maggots, plumbing issues, and ceilings with holes, a real shithole. And as a result of these deplorable conditions, the jury found in favor of the plaintiff in the liability portion of the trial. (Liability = whose fault was it and for the record, it took them five minutes to figure out that it was the City's fault, which is about four and half minutes longer than I thought it would take. I am just glad they actually left the court room to figure it out and didn't simply ask that I be hung right in the middle of the courtroom.)

Anyway, after losing the liability portion, we moved onto damages i.e. the show me the money portion of the trial. And this is where I figured i could make my biggest defense against the plaintiff as she claimed all these injuries like neck, back, and then carpal tunnel. The problem was that I knew that she had another accident and claimed the same injuries. Plus, her doctor was a crook and I intended to make him seem as much. Well, after a couple days of trial for that portion and with the plaintiff's attorney asking for a lot of money in his closing, the jury decided to give the plaintiff nothing. NOT ONE CENT... which meant that I had won my first case... Good had triumphed over Evil and Comic Book Guy had to go back to his lair to plot his next attack...

So after enjoying a couple of celebratory beverages, I am already locked and loaded for next week's case where someone fell and knocked out their front teeth, a true faceplant. Hopefully this blog does not become a memoir of my legal trials and tribulations but as soon as I join the million dollar club, I will be sure to let you guys know.