Monday, November 20, 2006

Hey this is Jose















Last night in what has become a little bit of a tradition, I had 17 of my closest friends over for a little pre-thanksgiving turkey feast. For those that may not remember, the tradition started last year when I decided to cook a turkey for my family over the Thanksgiving holiday. As I had never cooked a turkey before, I decided that I needed to practice on my friends in preparation for the real Thanksgiving meal in order to determine if I could cook a turkey and to avoid killing my parents if things went horribly awry. Last year, the turkey turned out great even after a grease fire in the oven that filled the apartment at the 398 with an absurd amount of smoke forcing me to air out the entire place for over an hour.

This year, I went even bigger with a total of 17 guests and a 19 pound bird. Plus, I decided to brine the bastard adding a full day of preparation to my little endeavor. This part of the process was highlighted by my buddy, Shaun, passing out around 2 AM on a aerobed in the middle of my kitchen while me and my girlfriend placed the giant beast into the brine only inches from his head. (As well, there may or may not have been an appearance by Lucy, the cockroach, who may or may not have skampered across the counter coming uncomfortably close to the bird and the brine.)

Thankfully, once again everything turned out great with my friends really stepping up with an unbelievable assortment of foods to compliment the turkey including meat stuffing, stringbean casserole, mashed potatoes, breads, and pumpkin pie just to name a few. Throw in some amazing cranberry sugar poppy thingies and libations highlighted by Red Roosters and the evening was a giant success. (Even if I did end up calling my upstairs neighbor, Jose, when his name is actually Juan. Hopefully, the turkey was enough to make up for this minor faux pas. If not, I blame it all on the tall boys combined with sitting in a turkey fume infested apartment for over 12 hours on Sunday.)

Now, I need to start preparing for next year where I plan to deep fry a turkey and will try not to invent any new ethnic sounding names for my upstairs neighbor.

Useful Information

In recent months, I have become out of mind addicted to this website, http://curbed.com/. Basically, it's a blog that covers all of the comings and going of the New York City real estate market. It's also a great source to figure out why there is suddenly a giant hole next to your apartment or why that entire old building disappeared to. Anyway, check the site out and learn something.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Return of the King

Actually it's just me, but since it has been awhile I figured a splashy headline was necessary. I have been MIA these last couple of months due to the ever evolving life that I lead.

For those that remember, the last time we spoke, I hated my job. Well I am happy to report that I still hate my job, but atleast I now get to do full time trials. As such, I get a case on a Wednesday the week before it is supposed to go to trial. Then, I prep the bad boy and take it to trial. It is a pretty sweet gig if I do say so myself.

This role started almost a month ago when I was given a trial against an old nemesis who I swear to god looks like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons except with less hair on the top of his head. (He rocks a sweet pony tail.) Anyway, this attorney and I have had our share of terse moments in the past, which were highlighted by me once asking him if he would like to step outside the courtroom to settle this like men. (I believe at this point, I was a little too into Deadwood.) Of course, my office was fully aware of my past problems with the old dungeon master, but in their infinite wisdom, decided that my first trial should be against someone that I truly despise. A real good versus evil moment I guess.

Now usually, trials in my office last a week, maybe two, but never more than three unless of course you are me. Instead of the normal timeline for the case, I am happy to report that I spent the last four weeks on trial, which meant that basically, I spent four weeks with my good friend.

Now, four weeks of trial would be enough to drive any person insane, but then you add the fact that Comic Book tool is a snake who stretches the boundaries of the law at any time he can. As a result, I spent four weeks on edge waiting for the snake to pull some of his usual bull shit, which he did whenever he felt he needed to wiggle something in past the supervision of the Court. For example, having his client, thank each of the members of the jury everyday when they left Court. Something that is patently improper.

Anyway, the case itself involved a ceiling collapse in a building that was in such a state of disrepair that from the second I opened my mouth to when I closed in the first part of the case, the jury hated me. I mean this place had rats, maggots, plumbing issues, and ceilings with holes, a real shithole. And as a result of these deplorable conditions, the jury found in favor of the plaintiff in the liability portion of the trial. (Liability = whose fault was it and for the record, it took them five minutes to figure out that it was the City's fault, which is about four and half minutes longer than I thought it would take. I am just glad they actually left the court room to figure it out and didn't simply ask that I be hung right in the middle of the courtroom.)

Anyway, after losing the liability portion, we moved onto damages i.e. the show me the money portion of the trial. And this is where I figured i could make my biggest defense against the plaintiff as she claimed all these injuries like neck, back, and then carpal tunnel. The problem was that I knew that she had another accident and claimed the same injuries. Plus, her doctor was a crook and I intended to make him seem as much. Well, after a couple days of trial for that portion and with the plaintiff's attorney asking for a lot of money in his closing, the jury decided to give the plaintiff nothing. NOT ONE CENT... which meant that I had won my first case... Good had triumphed over Evil and Comic Book Guy had to go back to his lair to plot his next attack...

So after enjoying a couple of celebratory beverages, I am already locked and loaded for next week's case where someone fell and knocked out their front teeth, a true faceplant. Hopefully this blog does not become a memoir of my legal trials and tribulations but as soon as I join the million dollar club, I will be sure to let you guys know.

Friday, September 01, 2006

VMA's?

Disclaimer: I am watching the replay of the VMA's at 1:30 in the AM after several hours spent at Crash Mansion on the Bowery with Free Beck's and ROCK AND ROLL.

Seriously, what the hell is going on with the MTV and the VMA's? I mean I have never been one to hold MTV to a hire standard other than a crap factory for music and steroidal exploitation, but at some point, recently. I must have stopped really paying attention to what the kids are in touch with because I have no idea what is going on right now. I mean I noticed The Beyonce doing some kind of angry songsy diatribe with loud megaphone type effects and Justin opening the show with his white boy seizure moves, but I have not recognized a single nominee or atleast I am choosing not to. (Pussy Cat Dolls are a gimic show on Sunset, how could they possibly win a VMA?) Moreover, I don't even recognize the categories anymore, I mean a DANCE? category? For what? Dancing? Jesus give me a couple of shots a jack, a bong hit, and a Mountain Dew and I will dance all night, excellently. Better than the Clit Cats atleast. I mean do they sign anything or are they super sweet strippers.

Sadly, I feel like I may finally be losing touch with MTV and the VMA's and as I think about it more, I am pretty okay with this part of growing up. (until of course, I have to raise a young girl of my own, and in that case, GAME OVER MAN.... GAME OVER!!!)

Thursday, August 31, 2006

I need to start drinking on the job... atleast it would take the pain away...

When we last left off faithtful readers, the buzzards were circling as the not-yet dead carcass of one of my co-workers lay helpless in the office of one of my bosses. Thankfully, some quick acting colleagues of mine led an inspired rescue mission and saved the young woman only moments before she would have been no doubt deemed deceased and promptly robbed of her worldly possessions. At last report, she had made it to the hospital and was released after alleviating her stomach woes by taking an apparently significant and life changing dump much to the chagrine of those hoping to make a little chip off her sudden stomach rebellion. I should have taken yesterday's little episode of "How NOT to Handle a Sick Coworker" as an omen that this week at the office was only going to get a bit more ridiculous and tedious as time went on and thusly called in sick this morning. This tactic I have employed several times this summer in order to avoid entering the hallowed halls of the place that makes me wish that I have never been born. Of course, being the fool that I am, I decided instead to show up some 45 minutes late to the office, another one of my new favorite tactics to demonstrate to the powers-that-be that I fucken loath them.

Unfortunately, the powers-that-be were waiting with the spite wagon, which meant that I was promptly informed that a colleague of mine had called in sick as she has several times this summer in her apparent attempt to mimic my tactic of avoidance, and that I would have handle her deposition. In addition, I started up my work email to find a nice little love note from my head boss asking me why I had not called in to inform them that I was running late and thus the deposition that I was to handle for the other sick colleague would now have to be handled by another poor sap. Of course, the powers-that-be managed to get a little dig in by stating that due to my apparent inability to call in and inform them that I was going to be late, I had forced another member of my office to have to handle MY DEPOSITION. (HEY CORRECTION SHIT HEADS, last night when I went home, I did not have a fucken deposition instead that was the responsibility of Little Miss-Call-In-Sick who apparently is free of your guilt inducing jitbag of an email...) While I did not have the time or the balls to inform my boss that the reason that I did not call in was because such a call would only be necessary if I:

A) Cared about my job; or

B) Gave two shits about whether or not the powers-that-be gave two shits about my whereabouts...

I did manage to track down the file before it was given to the other poor sap to handle. (While I may hate my job, my bosses, and the subject matter, I do not and will not piss of my colleagues. We are in the shit together... CHARLIE IN THE TREES...)

Anyway, as luck and kharma would have it, I then received the satisfaction of getting to sit through the seven hours of the questioning of a Ecuadorian man via Spanish interpreter about how he managed to have ladder he was standing on while cleaning asbestos collapse beneath him rendering him permanently disabled and with TMJ. Trust me, you really haven't lived until you spend a significant portion of your day trying to figure out how to explain through an interpreter that you want to know if said individual was able to get a boner before he had his traumatic little event since he now is as limp as I am after 12 beers. Not suprisingly, the words boner, hard-on, flesh rocket, do not apparently translate as easily as one would like but man did I try.

So after I walked out of the room after seven hours of incoherent responses and imperfect translations, I was further rewarded with a final kick in the nuts and asked why I had missed a meeting with one of my bosses at 2:30 this afternoon. Jeez guys, I don't know... Why don't you ask Mr. Perez and his limp penis... I am sure he can explain it better than I can... morons... On second thought, maybe, I will explain it by showing up tomorrow with a bottle of jack, a stripper, and no pants on... eat shit and die fuckbags.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Is this a sign...

Currently at my job there is a girl lying in my boss' office writhing in pain due to some mysterious stomach ailment that has gripped her being since coming to work today. Apparently, she cannot go home because she does not have the necessary leave time that would allow her to take the rest of the day off. Thankfully, my bosses are some of the most compassionate people on the Earth so I am sure that they are currently either helping her out of the office to a car service that they have called for her or have called the necessary medical personnel in case her little tummy thing is an exploding organ or something of that nature. Oh wait, my bosses are actually giant cocksuckers so instead of what I wrote above, they are probably just standing around poking this girl with a stick hoping that she will die so that they can steal her money and give her body to the vampires that work in the Title Search Office.

Even better is that this girl has been working here for less than a week but somehow her stomach has realized how fucken unbelievably shitty this place is and correctly decided to rebel against its host. If only my own body had taken similar action three years ago, so that I would not still find myself here, treading water, and hating my own professional existence. Sadly, my body did not take such measure, but for this newbie, there is hope. Run free little one.. head towards the light... DO NOT LOOK BACK...

And yes, I am jaded and absolutely hate my job... and soon you will too...

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Tis the Season

For tons of weddings...

Just wanted to drop a quick note while I am here in Brooklyn regarding the craziness that is the wedding season that I am currently in the grips of... Last weekend was Charleston.. This week is two at the Florentine Gardens in NJ... next weekend, a much deserved break.. Then to Chicago for another.... another break weekend... Down the Shore for another Jersey bash... Break... Then finally one in Denver, CO... Oh and throw in an engagement celebration for the Popstar...(one of the happiest events that I will ever be a part of.) And so there goes my summer... one spent watching my closest friends tie the knot... and although I am complaining... I am doing so only mildly because no matter the expense or the weekends lost to weddings halls, churches, and hotels, I get to watch people that I truly care about get hitched....

and that makes it all worth it.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Two Mile Miracle

Almost a month ago, I ran a marathon in Vermont. As I posted before the actual event, I was experiencing some significant pain in my left leg prior to the actual race that forced me to take almost a month off. As such, I lost approximately 2-3 weeks of peak training that I knew as much as I would loved to have thought otherwise would invariably effect my ability to run a fast marathon. And so, I went to Burlington without many expectations and while I managed to finish the race, I spent the last month sitting around stewing about the injury that made me unable to run the marathon like I can.

As well for the last month, I have not written anything here because frankly, I did not want to as I have been bummed out feeling like the previous 18 weeks of my life prior to the marathon rendered my training meaningless. Not helping matters was that even after taking two weeks off from running altogether immediately following the marathon, I was feeling no better than I did immediately before the marathon as the pain in my left leg persisted showing up whenever I tried to run. As a result, every step reminded me of my injury and began to make me wonder if my leg would ever get better. (and then of course I wondered if this would prevent me from ever running again.)

As of last week, I was not running with my only physical activity consisting of hobbling around a softball diamond or doing the white man shuffle up and down the basketball court. Oh and I made a meager attempt at returning to the gym to get rid of the B-cups that I am developing at the rate of young supple 12 year old girl... (I am kidding you sick pedophiles... about the young girl, but the man boobs are on like Donkey Kong.) I, also, began to look for a doctor as the people close to me began to worry if there was something a little more serious with my leg that needed to be looked at by a real doctor. (As stated before, I only play one on TV.) The good thing was that while I was searching for this doctor, I totally did not even attempt to run nor did I even think about doing it.

Actually, I did not think about running until on my way home from work today when I was getting sick of being lazy and feeling like a fat piece of shit. As such, on the walk from the subway to my apartment, I decided to run two miles just to see for one last if I could run without pain. And as luck or just shear stupidity would have it, I ran without pain in either of my legs for the first time in almost two months. It was only two miles, and I definitely was not burning rubber, but there was still no pain. Now, I know that this means nothing since I could very well wake up tomorrow morning with pain again, but atleast it is a first step to possibly starting to run again. As a result, I am going to try it again later this week, and just continue from there with an immediate trip to the doctor as my only recourse if I begin to feel pain again.

As for the marathon, I do not remember my place, but I will tell you that for the first 18 miles, I went out there and jammed on the gas maintaining a sub-8:00 minute pace for that portion of the race. Of course, after those 18 miles, I still had 8 remaining and needless to say, the wheels came off shortly after passing mile 18. While I managed to finish the final miles, the weird walk/run combination that I utilized in order to do so was the method of a man whose training was lacking significantly.

And then again, I still finished under four hours with a sub-9:00 mile pace, which is usually the average pace of a Team in Training member but still a finish. More importantly, what happened to me out there will stay with me for as long as I am able to run and serve as a lesson learned. But for now, I will settle simply for my runs every once and awhile as I slowly creep back to running normally again.

If you get a chance...

I do not use this site for much these days for one reason or another, but earlier today, one of the greatest baseball journalists/analysts ever, Hall of Famer Peter Gammons, (or Old Leatherneck as I like to call him) had an aneurysm. Currently, he is in a Boston area hospital having surgery and could be touch and go for the next few days.

So I guess what I am asking is for you to take some time and read some of his stuff and then, think about this great man, who is in need of each of our thoughts at this point in his life.

As a starter, here is the speech he gave when he got inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame:

Steve Jobs' advice at that time to a graduating class of Stanford this year was 'find what you love.' I am here today because I found what I love. Understand, I grew up in a household where when I got home from school my mother greeted me with, 'Can you believe they traded Jim Piersall for Vic Wertz and Gary Geiger?' Ned weaned me on respect and reverence for the history and texture of the game. My sister Anne hit me fungoes in a small New England town where the Red Sox home opener was an acceptable legal excuse to leave school at 10 a.m. My father found what he loved in music and teaching and the goodness of man. He and Paul Wright, my godfather, teacher and mentor, remain the two greatest men I have ever known … teachers like Juney O'Brien and Jake Congleton. By the time I was 18, I knew my role models and my life's mission statement were defined. When this award was announced, Mike Barnicle left me a simple message. 'Tom Winship would be very proud.' Winship was the editor of the Boston Globe, a Branch Rickey of a man who changed the newspaper business in Boston and opened a world for kids who were dying for a chance. Mine came as a summer intern in 1968. It started the day Robert F. Kennedy was shot. In those days you had a morning Globe and afternoon Globe, and when I walked in, I was introduced to my fellow intern Bob Ryan, basketball Hall of Famer. We were told to call every team in business, ask them what they would do for Robert F. Kennedy and write a story. We did. The 3:30 late stocks edition came up, and there on the front page of the entire paper Mr. Ryan and Mr. Gammons had their first bylines. We went to the Erie Pub, raised a couple of 10-cent drafts and decided, you know, what we found what we loved. My career essentially has been very simple, Boston Globe, Sports Illustrated, ESPN. I have been fortunate enough to work for extraordinary people. There are hundreds, maybe thousands who I should thank, but it was Tom Winship and Fran Rosa who stuck their neck out to hire a kid who hadn't even graduated from college … Mark Mulvoy, who hired me twice at Sports Illustrated … Vince Doria, who brought me back to the Globe and anyone who I ever worked for believes is the best sports editor, if not the best boss who ever lived … John Walsh who had the crack-brained idea to bring a sportswriter into television because, as one of the businesses most creative visionaries, he understood that information is king. I am very proud to say today much of what ESPN is today is because of John Walsh and there are hundreds of people that have gone and followed me out of the print profession to ESPN because of Walsh.

I am not here as a television personality, but as an ink-stained wretch. Publishers and new editors have no clue. They have no understanding that the baseball beat is the toughest beat in the newspaper business. It means severe personal sacrifices. A few years ago Jayson Stark and I decided that over a 25-year period we probably talked to one another more than we talked to our wives and no one has sacrificed more than my wife Gloria, who saved me in an unpredictable storm of a business that knows no holidays.

The baseball beat today is much tougher now than when I was traveling with the Red Sox for the Globe. There is far less access, 10 times the bodies in the clubhouse. The Internet, radio, television have broadened the baseball information universe. And yet our business, I am proud to say, keeps producing generation after generation of young reporters who are tireless, good and fair. Throughout my career I have tried to be guided by one principle, that because I am human I have the right to like people. But because I am professional, I have no right to dislike any one. People ask me, as a New Englander, what was it like walking out there in the field when Aaron Boone hit a home run. To be honest, my first reaction was, I was ecstatic. I have known Aaron Boone since he was 13 years old, and that's my privilege. My second reaction, I saw Tim Wakefield, head down, and I felt despondent. He's one man who did not deserve that. As I walked out on the field to try to get introduced, I turned to my producer, Charlie Moynihan, and said, 'Look around here, you know what? I just got paid to cover the greatest game ever played in the greatest sporting venue in the world. I think I'm the luckiest man on earth.' Jerry Coleman, I am honored to be in Cooperstown with you -- war hero, World Series MVP, announcer, gentleman. Ryne Sandberg, I think of a 40-home run season, a 200-hit season, a 50-steal season and the ego of a clubhouse kid.

But, to be here the day Wade Boggs is inducted is a special thing for me. This is a guy who played seven minor-league seasons, hit three something a ridiculous six straight years, went through three Rule 5 drafts and kept saying, 'my success will be measured in terms of dealing with adversity.' In the last half-century, Wade Boggs is the oldest position player to debut in the major leagues and make the Hall of Fame. He is the model for overcoming adversity of all kinds. I remember that afternoon in the spring of '86 when you and I were driving with Ted Williams over to have that night of discussing hits with Don Mattingly. Ted leaned forward in the car and said, 'Hey Wade, did you ever smell the burn of a bat?' Well, there are very few people who have. I have never forgot that. When the All-Century Team gathered around Ted at Fenway before the '99 All-Star Game, Ted asked Mark McGwire the same question. He retold the story. He said, 'Did you ever smell the burn of the bat?' There were six National League players in the room at the time around McGwire. What is he talking about? Well, let's face it, the burning of a bat is the lexicon of the gods.

And to stand here in front of the Hall of Fame players is like standing in front of the baseball dieties, and yet I feel so fortunate to have known so many of them as humans. I think of Carlton Fisk and I think of eight to 10 hours a day of rehab in the winter of '73-'74, mostly in the Manchester YMCA, to come back from a knee injury that very few humans could have recovered from. Eddie Murray, I think of the hours he took, watching him take BP, which allowed him to know all of those thousands of clutch hits which were only by design, not chance. I think of Robin Yount and the fastest he ever got timed to first was 3.9 seconds, the slowest 4.0. And I remember that George Brett always used to say he wanted his career to end on a ground ball to second base on which he busted his hump down the line. I think of Mike Schmidt mowing and lining the field in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, so he can coach his son's high school team. Then there's Sandy Koufax telling me that I lived in L.A. the way he lived in Stonington, Maine. I think of Bob Gibson's handshake, of Tony Perez, Petuka Perez, I think he lived a quarter of mile from where I lived in Brookline, Massachusetts, and to this day not two weeks go by when someone doesn't say, you know, how are Tony and Petuka Perez? They are the greatest people who lived in this neighborhood. I think of the hours and I thank Jim Palmer and Tom Seaver for discussing pitching with me. I will never forget the day that Orlando Cepeda hit four doubles in one game in Fenway Park and could barely walk. I think of Reggie Jackson and the two of us wandering around Kenmore Square in Boston after the Angels had lost the 1986 ALCS, outraged because Reggie Jackson's team had lost. I think of Dennis Eckersley and I think of his start in the 1978 Boston Massacre, when nearly 100 writers surrounded Frank Duffy because he made an error. He started pulling them off. He shouted, 'He didn't load the bases. He didn't hang a 0-2 slider. Get to the locker and talk to the guy who has an L next to his name.' Dennis Eckersley defines teammate.

I think of Kirby Puckett, my favorite days in baseball while the lights were still off in the Metrodome at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Game Six, the night he won the World Series, probably the only guy in the world that called me Petey, says, 'Petey, get up in your SportsCenter and tell everyone that Puck is going to jack the Twins up on his back today.' Well, four hits, a game-saving catch, and a 11th-inning home run later, Puck took us to the greatest seventh game, World Series game I will ever experience: 10 innings, 1-0, Jack Morris. These players are great players whose success is measured in overcoming adversity, but no one had to be a great person, no one had to be a great player to be a great person stored in my memory bank. So I think from John Curtis to Bill Campbell to Jerry Remy, Buckethead Schmidt to Bruce Hurst, Ellis Hurst to George Lombard, I've been lucky to know thousands of people who loved the game as much as I do.

In 1985, the Globe sent me to Meridian, Mississippi, to do a story on Dennis 'Oil Can' Boyd's background. I had dinner with his father, Willie James, who was once a Negro League pitcher and maintained the field and team in Meridian. He was telling me how he financed his life in baseball by being a landscaper.

He told me a story of a day in 1964 when he was landscaping the yard of the grand dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. He remembered seeing the cars coming up. They all rolled up the street, up the road from Philadelphia [Miss.] to [Meridian] Mississippi to take care of some civil rights workers. Mr. Boyd looked me in the eye. He said, 'You know what? This is what makes this country great. Today that man is destitute and crippled with arthritis and my boy, Dennis Boyd, is pitching in the major leagues for the Boston Red Sox.' In my mind the Boyd family represents baseball's place in American society. Jackie Robinson was in the big leagues seven years before Brown versus the Board of Education and we should never forget it, just as we should never forget the important athletes of the 20th century, arguably one of the 10 most important Americans of the 20th century. I remember waking up to read the story of Roberto Clemente's death, a great baseball idol [who] died taking medical, food and clothing supplies to earthquake victims in Nicaragua. I was with Dave Stewart the morning after he won the third game of the 1989 earthquake series as he crawled through the rubble of the collapsed Cypress structure to hand out coffee and donuts to volunteers searching for bodies. I walked the streets of Manoguyabo, Dominican Republic, with Pedro Martinez and viewed the churches, school, athletic complex, day-care center and houses that he built for poor people in his hometown. I was not far from Fidel Castro when he stood for the American National Anthem at attention, his hat across his heart because baseball came to Havana in 1989. I remember George Bush strode out toward the mound at Yankee Stadium before the third game of the 2001 World Series, weeks removed from the World Trade Center attacks, and turned and said to Karl Ravech and Harold Reynolds, 'We are among the 55,000 people who just experienced one of the great chills of anyone's lifetime.' When Bud Selig asked us to embrace the World Cup, it's not T-shirts in Taiwan. It's about celebrating that baseball, more than any sport, is who we are. It is reflected in our immigration patterns, our history because we're all immigrants. We should want the world to see us not for our politics, not for our business, but for baseball as our metamorphic soul, inclusive, not exclusive, diverse, not divisive, fraternal, not fractionalized.

If any of you are familiar with the Cape Cod League you probably might have heard of Arnie Allen, a special needs gentleman who for 40 years was a batboy for the Falmouth Commodores. He was diagnosed with brain cancer in the summer of 2002. Seventy-two hours later a duffel bag of Angels paraphernalia arrived in Falmouth, courtesy of two Falmouth players, Darin Erstad and Adam Kennedy. Of course, the Angels went on to the World Series in 2002 and after winning one incredible sixth game coming from a five-nothing deficit in the eighth inning. Before Game Seven, Erstad and Kennedy pulled me aside before they went out to stretch and told me, 'We know you are going to be speaking at the Hall of Fame inductions in two weeks on the Cape.' They said in unison, 'As you speak, could you do us a favor, Arnie will be there probably for the last time. Could you just tell him that Darin and Adam Kennedy said we are thinking of him before they went out and won the World Series?'

Every day at the ball park, for me, there's been something that's great. Ozzie Smith fielding ground balls, just seeing Willie Mays, watching Tom Seaver throw a 3-1 changeup to Don Baylor in his 300th win, George, Gossage in 1980. More important, what I have taken from all of these years is the knowledge that the people who play this game inherently care so much about that game, fellow players and those who love it. I am very fortunate to have baseball as a part of my life for 35 years. I thank you, Gloria, and all my family for standing aside me and all baseball writers for their friendship, support and maintenance of a great and proud profession. The game is also about players. I thank the thousands of players that I have known for making this ride better than I ever could have imagined. Ted Williams used to tell me, 'Hey, Bush, someday you want to walk down the street and have people say you have the greatest job in America.' Ted, it happens almost every day. For that I thank all of you, every one who read or listened to me, allowed me to try to be your eyes and ears, that allowed me to find what I love and hold on to it long enough to experience this, the greatest day of my professional career. Thank you.

Monday, May 08, 2006

What would you do...

If everything that you spent the last five months or so working for seemed to be slipping away?

If something that once seemed to be achievable now seemed impossible?

Well, if you were me, you would be pretty pissed off, really disappointed, and desparately trying to figure out what the mother fucken next step is going to be, which is kind of even funnier or just a giant kick in the balls by irony since every step I take with my left leg these days results in jarring pain through my left ankle, shin, and knee. (And yes, I am going to whine, complain, and generally vent for the next couple of paragraphs. If you don't like it, go the fuck to hell because I need to do this before I totally lose my mind... and kill again... Note: Rain Delay's statements do represent the views of Blogspot.com and cannot be used in a court of law unless of course he does kill again. At which point, each of your were on notice and can give some weird statement to CNN, Fox News (doubtful), or whatever shit bag news broadcast that covers the whole ordeal and tell them how he told you all that he would kill again... unless of course I kill you, and in that case, GAME OVER MAN... GAME OVER!!! )

And you know what, I did it all to myself and that is why I am pissed off and disappointed. Back in January when I decided to train for this thing, I promised myself that if I got injured or more importantly started to feel like I was getting injured, I would take the time off, rehab, rest, and then get back on the horse. Of course, as the weeks went on and no real injuries arose, I began to feel more and more invincible and so I pressed a bit and overtrained (a classic mistake for a runner).

It was this false confidence and my desire to qualify for Boston that distracted me from listening to my body and so when my left leg started hurting shortly after the half marathon, I continued to run hard convincing myself that it was simply shin splints. (Pride, I fucken hate pride.) Making matters worse, the week after the Half should have been an easy one and yet in order to get all of my runs in, I ran consecutive days (up to four in a row I believe), which resulted in undue strain on my body, a body that no matter what I keep telling myself, really cannot handle more than two days in a row. This type of cavalier training continued for several weeks as I pressed through an 18 mile run, a 16 mile run, and finally a 20 mile run. After each, the pain was there as I could barely walk for the next couple of days and it sucked...

But I ignored my body, took Advil, iced, stretched, and pressed on, lying to myself that all of it would go away ignoring the fact that I was now walking with a limp as the pain in my shin extended down to my ankle and up to my knee.... Funny thing is that no matter how much denial I threw out there, I could never escape the fact that the pain was real and not going anywhere.

Last week, I gimped my way through three runs and prepared for a 15 miler on Friday, and then a strange thing happened, my body refused to run anymore. And so I stopped, walked home, sat on the couch for a bit, and realized that no matter how hard I wanted to keep going, I was going to have shut it down and try to heal so that I can actually run the marathon.

So here I sit typing this with two icebags on my left leg and pain that has remained even after taking three days off... I have not a clue as to when the next time that I will run again is... and I am not sure writing about it helped or that I am not going to go completely insane in the next couple of days because I am totally fucked...or that I have learned a great lesson here because I am starting to get the itch to pop some Advil and just hit the pavement givign a giant middle finger to the pain no matter what the cost...

atleast I still have Jesus... oh wait no I don't...

GAME OVER MAN... GAME OVER!!!!*




*The preceding was brought to you by the letters D, R, A, M, A, Q, U, E, E, and N...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

You may ask yourself...

How did I get here?

Alright, I need to get something off my chest. Something that has bothered me all morning from the point I got to the office through Court to right friggin' now.

And that is:

Why am I in a profession that I clearly do not belong in?

The question, which I have asked myself numerous times before, once again reared its angry head while I was on my way into work. As I shuffeled in, I noticed that the other attorneys entering my building were decked out in their newly pressed suits, perfectly shined shoes, crisp shirts with appropriately matching ties, their faces freshly shaven, and hair cut in just the right way.

And then there was me... non-pressed white dress shirt untucked with a crooked black tie hanging from my neck, baggy jeans that I think were last washed sometime during the month of March, black Airwalk sneakers, hair that has not been cut in months, and as documented a couple of days ago, I shaved last Thursday.

Furthermore, instead of the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, or any local daily paper in my hand, I had the latest issue of Spin Magazine from which I was reading an article announcing their new sex columnist. Actually, it was really the fact that I was reading this magazine and that article that caused me to really question what exactly I am doing at my current job.

Is it me or do I not belong here? And even further, am I really supposed to be an attorney?

I don't dress like these people, and I am pretty sure that most of them would not be reading a magazine article on sex advice although many of them probably need it. (HEY-O) The point being is that I have four months or so left at my current gig, and I am pretty sure that it is high time to start seriously evaluating my next step in life...

or else I better start dressing like one of the tribe, i guess?

Monday, April 24, 2006

Magic Bus

So yesterday upon returning to the Dirty Will from my brief sojourn to New Brunswick, I happened to take a quick peek out my window and gazed my eyes upon this bad boy...













At first, I thought that the bus, which is that murky green monster in the picture, possibly was the creation of one of my artistic neighbors, who thought it would be fun to paint a random old school bus green and parade it around Williamsburg as some type of portable art exhibit/hipster mobile.













Now, such a creation in my neighborhood seemed to be entirely plausible to me since the inhabitants of my neck of the woods have exhibited such flare for the absurd in the past like when there was a jet black school bus parked down the road from my house for months at a time that I think someone was living in. Actually come to think of it, maybe that was the anti-version of this bus and there is some kind of crazy bus turf war going on in my hood with the green bus people having secretly eliminated the black bus people several months ago. And once again that would not surprise me either...

Anyway after a little more investigation, I realized that this bus was not in fact some whacked out statement about individualism nor part of some bus gang battle but rather a kid's party bus that apparently can be rented for an afternoon for your child's birthday party, communion celebration, or social status booster event to make him or her cooler in the eyes of his peers.














Now on the inside, the bus appeared to contain a variety of activities for little children to enjoy as well as a slide running out the back door for the kiddies to slide down. I have no idea what specifically the games inside were, but I imagine bubbles and balls were prominently involved.

Now, I am not a parent as I do not have any children or don't know that any fruits of my loin exist out there in this crazy world, but a painted school bus just seems like an odd source of entertainment for a child's party. Actually, it's just downright creepy. I mean doesn't this whole business scheme just wreak of some kind of contorted way to molest children, and why in God's name would you let your child go to a party where the other kid's parents were going to rent a "bus" where the kids can then go inside and play. None of this causes any of these parents to wonder what exactly these parents or the crazy bus people are up to?

Moreover,is Chucky Cheese too cool for these people? Here's an idea, what about just getting a clown to make balloon animals?

Further, what the hell was going on in the minds of the proprietors of the Fun Bus when they decided that this is what they wanted to start as their business. I mean if they are not pedophiles how exactly did they decide that the way to make their fame and fortune was by getting an old school bus, clean it up, paint it crazy colors, put god knows what inside, and then let people rent out the bus as a source of entertainment for the kiddies. And again, how do convince people to rent this son of a bitch for the day and then, convince them to let their kids play in it?

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT THINKS THE WHOLE IDEA IS WRONG AND FLAWED? WHO IS LETTING THESE PEOPLE REPRODUCE SO THAT THEY CAN LET THEIR KIDS PLAY ON SOME SKETCHY FUCKEN BUS? WHY ISN'T THE GOVERNMENT AFTER THE OWNERS OF THE FUN BUS OR TRYING TO TAKE THESE KIDS FROM THEIR PARENTS?

What is being done to stop these people? And finally, when the bus left today, did they take the children with them? And weren't the renters of the bus just asking for it if they did?

GOD DAMN YOU SUPER GREEN FUN BUS, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE....

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Run Runner

I figured it was just about time for another self-indulgent update in Rain Delay's quest to qualify for the Boston Marathon. The last couple of weeks have been to say it nicely, rough. I found myself running alot of miles but with very inconsistent results. Last weekend while I was back home in the Nutmeg State, I went out for my longest run to date of 18 miles and absolutely bombed. I mean from the gun, I felt that it was a complete struggle and that is never good when you have 18 miles ahead of you. Furthering make this run less than enjoyable was the reemergence of the sun and 70+ degree weather which I am not at all used to running in. Needless to say, I wilted by the end of the run finishing with a very slow time and questions about whether or not any of my training actually was paying off.

I spent the next week here in Brooklyn beating myself up over this run as I still could not just accept the fact that some days you have it and some days you simply do not. Of course, the running gods wanted to get one more stomach punch in to make me further question my decision to run another marathon by telling my shin splints that I have battled for the last four years or so to start acting up again. And so, I slogged through a couple of pedestrian runs early in the week getting angrier and angrier at myself while of course resisting the true remedy of resting.

But then I got smart and although I did not shut it down for the week, I decided to forgo my speed workout and instead simply settle for a couple of nice three mile runs just to keep things moving in preparation for a long run on Saturday. Further, I put myself on a healthy regiment of lots of water, which I always consume, icing, and Advil in order to keep the shin splints at bay.

By Friday morning although achy, I was feeling a little better and at some point, I decided that it was time to give another long run a shot just to prove to myself that I was not losing my edge. Plus, I also go the great news that Lance Armstrong will be running this year's New York City Marathon so I have my next marathon goal after I qualify for Boston, BEAT LANCE. Finally, I decided that I did not want to wait until Saturday morning where I could potentially feel like crap and instead I would knock this sucker off on Friday evening after work.

So on last night with cooler temperatures from a week ago, I took off from the 398 running over the Williamsburg Bridge into Manhattan. From there, I ran my usual route of down the East River Park to the Staten Island Ferry depot through Batter Park and then up the West Side Highway to Pier something. Then, I turned around and ran home. I am happy to report that I got what I wanted out of the run, a very consistent and quick pace that left me with the feeling that I had more to give for the actual marathon.

And thus that is where I am at, a little dinged up from all the mileage but with the ability to keep the injuries minor in order to give myself the best possible chance of obtaining my goal. In the next five weeks, I just stay healthy, get rest, and make sure I listen to whatever aches and pains, my body is currently exhibiting. (And yes, I wrote that simply as a reminder to myself that I need to pay attention to those things.) Next weekend, I do my one twenty miler for the training period and after that while I have the option of doing another run of that magnitude, it is pretty much all down hill from there.

We will see how it all works out in the end, but remember, you always run faster on race day...

But Still We Stand Strong (Final Countdown)

LEG THREE: HOMEWARD BOUND

April 9, 2006: Mileage: 298977: We are in Virginia somewhere near the Eastern Shore heading back to the Cit via Delaware. We spent the morning touring VA beach walking up the strip and down the beach, The entire way we battled a mighty wind that made us feel like we were reenacting the big screen classic, Ishtar.















On the way, we saw people riding horses,















a giant statue of Neptune,















destroyed balcony furniture,















closed piers,














multiple haunted houses,














and got to eat the worst breakfast south of the Mason Dixon line. (In retrospect, this was actually the worst food that I have eaten in my entire existence on the planet Earth. The bacon tasted like jerky and probably was. The eggs were runny and the sausages just plain blew. I am pretty sure that I am still suffering from the indigestion that this meal gave me and that my stomach may never be normal again. I wish we had fire bombed this place on the way out of town so that others never had to experience this little slice of hell again. I guess we should have realized that any place that advertises "All You Can Eat" for 7.49 might be a little too good to be true.)

3:55 PM: Unknown Location and mileage:

Bob Jingle: "Hey wait it's Palm Sunday."

Me: "Good I just had my first Palm Sunday beer."

BJ: "We're hauling through beers like its Palm Sunday."

(Note: This quote and conversation make no sense without the context that once while playing a rousing game of Asshole while on our trip out to Chicago last year. I announced at some point that we were hauling through beers like it was Christmas morning as if this is what my family did on Christmas. For the record, we inject heroine on Christmas, beers on Thanksgiving, and do meth on Easter. Palm Sunday is actually just a veritable choose your own adventure book for substance abuse.)

4:57 PM: Maryland: Mileage: 299071

We are on Route 13, which is very long, very straight, and very boring. As such, I decided to jot down what comes up on random for the next hour. Here is what transpires:

Track A: Public Enemy, "Radio Consultant"
Track B: Jimmy Eat World, "Bleed American"
Track C: Dashboard Confessional, "The Good Fight"
Track D: Warron Zevon, "Rub Me Raw"
Track E: U2, "One" (studio version)
Track F: Blink 182, "Dump Weed"
Track G: Led Zepplin, "Lemon Song"

5:28 PM: We realized that we are on the wrong road and have currently gone 15 miles in the wrong direction. This is the first and only time that we get lost on the entire trip.

Track H: U2, "Bad"
Track I: Dashboard Confessional, "Sharp Hint of New Tears"

Diz and Bob Jingle watch some dude pull out.

Track J: REM, "Flowers of Guatemala"

On review, we determine that there were two dairy queens, atleast three Subways, two 7-11's, and one Starbucks in the land that they call Virginia Beach. (Insert Subway wallpaper picture)

Track K: REM, "Laughing"
Track L: Nirvana, "Turnaround"
Track M: REM, "I'm most beautiful"

5:50 PM: Mileage: 299128: We have entered Delaware. (Note: on my own voyage back to New York, I am currently stuck in traffic on 68th and Columbus. I can honestly say that I did not miss this City at all since I have left it several days ago. It was nice to be away and to be in Boston. Oh well, I guess I live here and will have to deal. The young buck makes it round three, an intervention may be necessary.)

6:27 PM: After some Dunken Donuts, it is revealed that Bob Jingle knew the Sharkey's waitress's name but has now forgotten it. God bless narcotics. (Note: Our bus driver just slammed on the brakes and I heard Young Buck crash into the wall directly behind my seat. Justice has been served.)

6:58 PM: Mileage 299194: After listening to the Beastie Boys, Bob Jingle reminds each of us that the music at Sharkey's was spot on as the playlist included such classics as Arrested Development's Mr. Wendel and that god damn Chumba Wumba song. BUT FOR their fatal move of having a live band that performed god awful Blues/Jazz Fusion crapola, we would have stayed the entire evening. (Note: my bus driver must have a date with some hot piece of ass as we are currently throttling through the streets of NYC. As I try to type while being hurled from left to right, I notice that a dad has just taken his daughter into the crapper, I am sure that all of the urine will end up in its correct place... i.e. ALL OVER THEM)

7:37 PM: Mileage: 299230: In New Jersey on the turnpike: Although it is clear now that we are not going to reach the 300k mark, the return to the Garden State gives each of us a sense of accomplishment as we are now only a state away from home. Smiles, warm laughter and tales of the road are exchanged with glee.

8:58 PM: Mileage 299,268: Back in red pen mode, but Diz does not know so the authorities have not been notified. We are currently somewhere in the dirty jerz. It is dark and I am writing by the light provided by Jingle's portable dome light, the clicky kind. The fuzz is out in force so we must drive silently through these enemy lands. We hope to be home by 10 or 10:30. We will see if this goal becomes a reality. Important travel tip number 3000 of this trip: The Nathan's Hotdog place on the NJ turnpike in South Jersey fucken blizows. (Note: I am finishing this on a train back into the Jerz on Saturday, April, 22, 2006 around 2:36 PM, more on that later)

9:56 PM: Mileage: 299311: We hit a little traffic south of our current location, but it appears to that we have currently found a smooth patch of air. (I always wonder why airplane pilots announce this when you are flying, do we as passengers really want to think about how as flyers of the sky, we are at the whim of mother nature, who could simply send us crashing towards the earth at any second.)

Diz claims that his mother just called him, but I think it is his lady friend.














10:32 PM: Final Mileage: 299345: We are finally home. All and all a successful trip and glad to finally be home.

(I finished writing this while on yet another little life adventure back to my old stomping ground in New Brunswick, NJ where for four years of my life, I was a Scarlet Knight, and no that is not a gay pop boy band. Although if it was, who are you to judge me. We fucken rocked.)

In retrospect, the entire trip to VA Beach was a ton of fun and while I did not write down everything that went on while on our trip, I think all and all you get the gist. In the end, we fell short of our ultimate goal to roll the Faithful Steed over 300000 miles but we helped move the old beast just a little bit closer to reaching the ultimate goal. Moreover, the lessons learned and the friendships made will stay with each of the members of the road-trip crew forever, and yes, I just wrote that to see if you were paying attention and do not for one minute think that we learned anything or made any new friends. Except for Jingle, who I believe now has two new boyfriends in the VA Beach area.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Time Has Come...

As the weather has turned warmer, my beard has become more and more unbearable. As such, I decided earlier this week that it was time to get rid of the beard and embrace the clean-shaven look. Since I have grown pretty connected to my beard, I decided to share the entire shaving process with each of you.... Without further ado, here are the pics... (Oh and for those of you awaiting the exciting conclusion of the roadtrip, well that shit will be finished this weekend after I am done mourning the end of my beard... let a man have his time to deal...)

In the beginning...there was a beard.. a lovely lovely beard...


















And then the beard became a really awful goatee with some mutton chops. This look could be useful if I wanted to be an extra on the Fox classic and recently concluded, That 70's Show... or if wanted to hang out with Aston Kutcher, that Valderama fellow, and Danny whatever his name is... I wonder if those guys ever go out rocking their looks from the show...something tells me they could go out in black face and still pull in the pussy... bastards...



















And then there is the fu manchu with flavor saver combo, which I think makes me look like the dude from Super Size Me or possibly like I should be on Deadwood like a true COCKSUCKER. I would rock this look if I wanted to try to make people feel uncomfortable while sitting next to me on the subway. I say try because this look would not have an effect on anyone living in New York City so I would probably have try this one in Tennessee or Kentucky. Then again, the inhabitants of those lovely places would probably adopt me as one of their own.


















But truly the only look that anyone ever wants to try to pull off is the good old fashioned mustache. A popular look for many of our fathers or that creepy uncle that may have just been a little to hands on for all of our liking. A look that in recent years has experienced a resurgence here in the Williamsburg area. Like my buddy, Diz, said, it takes courage to actually rock a mustache out in public. While I agree with this sentiment for most parts of the country, here in the Will, I think it just means that you are just another one of the flock trying desperately to look like an individual, but in the end looking just like the rest of morons out there. Anyway, here are a couple of photos of me with mustache. I have to say I look really really really really really, what is the word, CREEPY. I am giving you the dirty version and then, the version that my dad used to rock back in the 80's when he went to work, apparently on the set of some low budget porno.





































And finally, here is me all cleaned up... and ready to date your mom...


















The bus to hell is leaving now... I'll catch you losers later.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

White Trash Bonanza: Virginia Beach After Dark

So after finally getting Dan to stop his seemingly endless pissing and finding a seedy little joint to rest our rain soaked bones, we ventured out into the night to figure out what exactly Virginia Beach had to offer once the sun went down.

First, we went to Sharky's, a combination sports bar, pool hall, and random game land where we were served by a giant titted waitress who I learned through an excessive amount of eaves dropping was a teacher by day and Sharky's waitress by night... a veritable renaissance woman. We also learned that Sharky'y cannot make calamari as we ended up with what I believe to be deep fried rubber bands.

As this was a sports bar, we got to watch the Red Sox beat the Orioles with Jonathan Paplebon getting his second save of the season. (In a related note, on Sunday, I got to see Pablebon, the savior of the Red Sox bullpen and the answer to our closer woes, record his sixth save of the season. NOOCH)

On a high note, I broke the high score on the rapid shoot basketball game at Sharky's earning a score of 69 (insert Bill and Ted's joke here) along with many fearful looks as I played game after game after game after game after game.....in order to do so.

On a low note, Bob Jingle made two new friends on the evening: First there was Jeremy who had been at Sharky's since noon that day and as such, bought us and probably the remainder of the bar beers. Further, he was convinced that the Brewers would win the NL Central title this year yet another indication that he had been there since noon. We also learned that Jeremy had a thing for our well-endowed waitress as she told us that he had brought her flowers, a teddy bear, and a book that evening. She did not seem to think that there was anything weird about these gifts or that Jeremy apparently came to Sharky's each week to see her. In a further related story, our waitress was a moron.

The next friend that Bob Jingle made was Logan an unbelievably intoxicated young gent who talked Mr. Jingle's ear off while we tried to play pool at a bar known simply as Retro. When asked about the conversation afterwards, Mr. Jingle confirmed that Logan may or may not have been speaking English and that he had not understood a single word that Logan had said.

We ended up at Retro's following the advice of our waitress, who we should have discredited after her previously discussed opinions of Jeremy. Retro featured all that a great bar should i.e. blaring meathead music of the Linkin Park variety, skateboard and surf videos on the TV's over the bard, and a solid gaggle of he VA Beach's finest locals, who apparently were each looking to star in X-Games 2010.

After leaving Sharky's, we took in one of VA Beach's rising musical acts, The Drunken Frat Boys, as we caught their 11 PM performance at the local karaoke bar where they performed such classics as "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen and "Bye Bye Bye" by N'Sync. Apparently, each of which can be performed in the exact same manner by screaming into a microphone at the top of your lungs.

Finally after a stop at the local gang run 7-11, we stayed at the Tropicana, which appeared to be hosting several underage drinking parties and possibly a prom. In another related note, our waitress at Sharky's also said that this was a nice place to stay as it had hosted her after-prom night of drinking. If I am not being clear, our waitress had issues.

Unfortunately, I did not take many pictures of this evening except for this interesting little mural that I found right near Sharky's. Kind of warms the heart and says welcome.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

LEG TWO: A DAY OF RAINY TRAVEL DURING WHICH I THINK I SEE NOAH BUILDING AN ARK

12:00 PM: Departing Rockville, MD: We leave our gracious host after a great diner breakfast. It turns out that this will be the last really good meal that we have for the remainder of the trip since we apparently decided to dine only at place's that will never be even considered for Zagat's much less reviewed by them. The weather on this morning is a warm rain that varied from torrential downpour to torrential downpour. On the way to the breakfast spot, we pass atleast two individuals who are standing outside in this weather with placards on that ask passerby's to stop at whatever shop they are standing in front of. I wonder if this actually makes people stop because they feel sorry for these soaked souls or do people stop in order to kick the ass of the individual who sent this sucker out into this rain in the first place.

Before truly leaving Rockville, we have our first official notation of our faithful steed's mileage at 298707. We decide that a quick tour of DC is necessary... and so...



1:20 PM: DC In Our Rearview Mirror: 298719: During our extremely brief tour, we still manage to see Georgetown, the White House, the Washington Monument, the Capitol Building, the National Archives, a little rowing on the Potomac, and K-Street to boot. While we never left the confines of the faithful steed at any of these locations, I still feel we got to see some cool sites and got a good flavor for DC, which looks pretty gloomy when it is pouring rain outside.

Bob Jingle currently has to pee, but no matter what, we are heading south where the wind comes sweeping down the plain,.. where the waiving wheat it sure smells sweet.... but i digress.... Next Stop: destiny.

1:50 PM: Traffic in Northern VA: The random on the mp3 player is playing Runaway Train by Soul Asylum. Nothing really says roadtrip like the sweet musings of Dave ??? (last name unknown at the present time... text messages are sent to ascertain his last name.) Actually, there are a lot of songs that probably say roadtrip other than the random's current selection, but the random giveth and the random taketh away.

While waiting for this traffic to clear up, Bob Jingle asks Dirty Diz, whose current band is called the New Heathens, "New Heathens? Was there an Old Heathens?" Mr. Jingle's query is met with stark silence as both Diz and E "mother fucken" T stare at him evily. (Note: In real time, a large woman just entered the bathroom on my current voyage back to the Big Apple. Now, I am not Nostradomus, but I guarantee this is going to end very badly for myself and my fellow members of the back of the bus mafia. We may have to order a code red after this one. Thankfully, she returns after only thirty seconds in the bathroom, but is quickly followed by a boy, who appears to be under the age of 10 and thus does not probably know the rules since his parents have most likely neglected to inform the young buck of the rules of the road. Parents do us all a solid and school your children so that I don't have to. You won't like it when I do it.)

2:22 PM: 298750: After pissing ourselves, we see a trucker dumping out his own gallon size piss bottle on the side of the road. Well done, road warrior... well done.

2:24 PM: Diz takes over the book for the only time on the roadtrip as I need a break. After handing him the book and the red pen that I have been using for some time now, he writes: " I am informed that we are red pen mode. Authorities have been notified."

2:45 PM: From a source unknown, we learn that the name of Soul Asylum's lead singer is Dave Pirnier.

2:45 PM (Entry Two): Alternative title for this trip, Sherman's March.

2:50 PM: Currently following LI Egg on Route One, screw 95. Diz also writes that he just punched the rearview mirror. Bob Jingle says, "I am turning worse to you." Meaning and context are unknown.

(Note: reading all of this as I presently sit in traffic on the Greyhound shuttle to hell, I have no recollection of any of this stuff ever happening. From the way my memory has been functioning lately, I am lucky I remember that we went on a roadtrip. As another aside, I believe that the young buck just went for round two in the crapper, I am not going to stand for this much longer, my justice will be swift, but fair.)

5:16 PM: Near Williamsburg, VA: Mileage: 298866: We are on Scherman's March to the Sea. Currently, we have conquered Fredericksburg and are now marching onward to the Atlantic Ocean. Good luck and God bless our quest! We are wet and many of the men have scurvy. Hopefully, we will find food and safe water soon or else many will die. Our path is true, and our hearts are pure. Onward, we march. (Note: I clearly broke out the bong at this point of the trip.)



5:32 PM: Busch Gardens, VA: I say NO to the 52 dollar entry fee to the park. Dirty Diz's dreams of having fun on the roadtrip are crushed by my selfish decision, and he starts to have flashback's to family trips of the past, Kharma strikes me down as a I spill a road soda all over my crotch. We continue onward to VA beach.

6:00 PM: VA Beach: Mileage: 298, 911: Diz has to piss bad. I silently hope that he pees himself. I am a bad friend.

And as luck would have it that is where I stopped writing for the evening with Diz on the side of the road near some military base pissing his brains out while cars rushed by at 60+ miles per hour shaking our faithful steed to the core. It continued to rain as we entered the main strip of VA beach in search of a hotel and a bite to eat. (Note: on my own current journey, we have reached the giant driving range off of 95 near COOP City. For those of you who drive, you will know this area as the place where traffic comes to a dead stop no matter what time of year it is becauuse of the giant curve in the road. As well, I can hear someone towards the front of this shit mobile clipping their finger nails. God Iove that sound, and by love, I mean I want to find that person and personally remove each of their finger nails with some pliers and some rubbing alcohol...)

The Adventure continues...

And so like most things lately, my plans to actually write more on this blog fall to the wayside because I find myself involved with other plans and adventures. Ironically, the reason I have failed to continue to write about the most recent roadtrip to VA Beach is because this past weekend through this afternoon, I found myself in Connecticut for Easter weekend and then finally in Boston to enjoy the Red Sox, Patriot's Day, and the Boston Marathon.

I am happy to report, however, that finally after three days of fluctuating between drunk to sober and then sober to drunk, I have found some time to continue this little yarn because I am currently traveling back to the Big Apple on a Greyhound, which should take about four and half hours. Further, as luck would have it, I am seated directly in front of the urinal, which has been in constant use since we left Boston's South Station. Unfortunately, it appears that some members of our little adventure have not adhered to the unspoken rule of the road that we only utilize the facility for the purposes of urination and not to drop the kids off at the pool. As such, I am going to use the time to avoid thinking about the smell of all smells coming out of the lavatory.

With that being said, I now continue the adventure of Bob Jingle, the Dirty Diz, the Faithful Steed, E "mother fucken" T, and myself, who at the time of my last entry found themselves still thinking about leaving for points south but had yet to do anything about it.

LEG ONE: A LITTLE HOP TO THE DC AREA:














April 7, 2006: 6:30 PM-- Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York: We are currently attempting to leave New York after a brief delay for all parties to return home from work. The dashboard incense is burning, and the car is already squeaking. From the sounds of our faithful steed, we may not even make it three miles before this baby dies.

As we depart from Diz's apartment, we find ourselves immediately at a red light. I wonder if this is sign of things to come and whether or not, we will make it to DC by midnight or find ourselves sleeping at a rest stop at some point north of there. Diz lightens up the mood for all parties involves by commenting:

"I don't know what you do with a Hummer." as we pass an H3 leaving the Burg. Neither do we, Diz, neither do we.

6:39 PM: Currently in our first real batch of bumper to bumper traffic on the BQE, which is not a good sign at this early point in our journey. Meanwhile, Bob Jingle informs us that the reason that the faithful steed is currently making that noise is because of something to do with the rotors. While I am not a mechanic nor do I play one on TV, I do not believe that this is a good sign for anyone involved. (Note: While writing this entry the young girl sitting next to me on the bus is currently sleeping but doing the weird head nodding thing on my shoulder.... Go Greyhound!!!!)



7:03 PM: After continuing our early bout with New York City traffic, the decision is made to blow this popsicle stand by taking the Holland Tunnel instead of our anticipated path of travel via Staten Island. This tactical decision may pay dividends in the end but only the open road and time will tell.

7:31 PM: The Holland Tunnel turns into a turbo boost for the progress of our trip as we make it through Jersey City and to our first stop at a rest area. At which point, I announce: "I got to go pee and grab a burger."

9:10 PM: Delaware Memorial Bridge where I once again have to pee and decide that if I do not soon that I may kill again. As well, we all decide that EZ Pass always takes us to Happy Land.

And this is where the journal ended for the evening mainly due to darkness and the awful weather that we then experienced in the form of torrential downpours and spectacular lightning. We rolled into a little town called Rockville, MD around 11:30 PM where we rested for the evening thanks to the hospitality of a law school buddy of mine who gave us some beers, an air mattress, and couch. (And the Yankees lost, which always warms my heart.)

All and all, the first leg generally turned out to be a success as even at our leisurely pace we made it to the DC area with little problems and minimal traffic and with the hope that this would continue as we started leg two in the morning...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Diary of a Madman: The Introduction

As I mentioned in a previous post, a couple of my buddies and I took a roadtrip last weekend to the strange and amazing lands located to our South. After last year's roadtrip to Chi-town, this year's quick sojourn to the land of the Confederacy for a weekend appeared, atleast on paper, to be a mere trip to the corner store compared to last summer's 18 hour trek out west. For this trip, our numbers decreased from five to three as we cut away some of the proverbial fat in order to become a lean mean roadtripping machine of all-stars. (Actually, I think we were the only one's who could go away last weekend.) Whatever the reasoning, this trip's cast included:

The Faithful Steed-- a Gold 1989 Volvo Wagon that started our voyage with approximately 298,400 miles to its credit as well as several odd noises. (more on that later)...(PICTURE PENDING AT THE TIME OF PUBLICATION, she is sensitive about being photographed.)

The Driver--














One, Mr. Bob Jingle, a fellow Nutmegger and patriot, who during his formative years was no stranger to the wrong side of the law incurring an unmatched portfolio of moving violations while tearing through the streets of little town Connecticut. Thankfully, in recent years, the Bobber has rehabilitated his driving record while still maintaining the same killer instinct that made him fully qualified to lead our trip.

The Navigator--














The Dirty Diz, a former Flanders All-Star and a man with an unmatched sense of direction, cartography, and a lethal ability to find an alternative route around any traffic jam. Some say that the Diz has ice running through his veins as he remains calm in the most stressful of situations on the open road. In truth, the Diz's talents are the direct result of numerous family roadtrips that he endured as a youth during which he promised to himself that when it was his time to hit the open road, he would not make the mistakes that haunted his family's past trips.


The Dude in the Backseat--














And here is where I come in as part trip manager, organizer of the backseat and trunk areas, drink bitch, and the general source of lunacy, unnecessary commentary, and all around non-sensicality (inventing words). While seemingly not as important as the driver or the navigator, who some would argue that without the roadtrip would never occur, I maintain that my position is just as critical to the overall success of any roadtrip as I am the provider, who ensures that the driver and the navigator maintain their mental edge even after hours of driving while still managing to keep the mood light enough to thwart any challenges that threaten to derail the entire trip. Most importantly, I maintained the position of scribe taking down all the adventures that we endured along the way.

The Mascot--














E "Mother Fucken" T, my faithful confidant and friend, who has traveled with me on almost every trip that I have made since I discovered him in the attic of my childhood home many years ago. Throughout this voyage, he remained our faithful icon who sat silently on the dashboard never looking at the road ahead but rather staring silently back at each us analyzing our souls as if to see whether or not we had the internal fortitude and mental strength to complete the quest at hand.

And so on Friday, April 7, 2006 around 6:30 PM, this team of all-stars left to explore the South with no real goal or destination other than the outside hope to see the Faithful Steed pass the 300,000 mile benchmark by journey's end...

Over the next couple of days, I hope to transcribe these adventures here so that you, my faithful readers, can get a flavor for what happens when three young men, a 17 year old car, and a plastic icon stop being polite and start... their roadtrip at 6:30 on a Friday evening in New York City i.e. the height of rush hour traffic...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Some Happy Thoughts

As I ran home from work today, I realized that I am a pretty happy camper these days. While it is true that I have consumer debt beyond my means, educational debt that will take me until I am put in the ground to repay, a job and career that I feel sucks the life out of me on a daily basis, and a nasty case of gas.... BUT I AM HAPPY...

And as such I figured that I would let you know what exactly has made me currently not mind living:

1. Baseball is back-- I know that I love sports and I know that it takes up too much of my life but yesterday, I stayed home from work and was able to catch the first Red Sox game of the season. As a result, I got to hear the first musings of the year from Don Orsillo and his partner in crime, Jerry Remy. Then, later that night, I got to watch the Yanks and their crack team of retards explain to me what exactly makes Yankees Baseball so much better than everything else on earth including cancer research, feeding the hungry, and striving towards world peace. But none of their cock smokery mattered because I realized that I would be able to watch my favorite sport for the next seven months or so... Moreover, it meant that all of the months of speculation are now over as the Red Sox finally get to play some real games and see exactly what the moves made during the off-season mean in terms of their success in 2006.. and so I was happy... (mark this one down, the Sox should piss me off soon enough.)

2. The Lights FINALLY Came Back On-- For the past several months, I have been running at night. Everyday when I get back from work, I put on my shoes, shorts, and top of choice and head out into the darkness to log my miles. To be quite honest with each of you, the fact that I have been spending most of my time running without the sun has started to bug the shit out of me. I mean I was getting downright depressed and I quickly was moving towards not being able to deal with another dance in the dark. Come to think of it, I probably saw that damn owl because he realized that I was becoming part of his nocturnal fraternity. And so, although I had to lose an hour of sleep in order to achieve my new found light, I might be the happiest person on earth that our clocks were moved ahead one hour last weekend so that I can now run during daylight hours. (A little sun never hurt nobody... actually that is not true at all... wear sunblock kiddies.)

3. Spring Has Sprung and People Are Nicer?-- It happens every year, the weather starts to warm up and people appear to lighten up a little bit and actually exhibit some emotion other than bitter bitter contempt when they encounter their fellow man. For example, just today on the run home, I experienced this thawing of human emotion as I received several smiles as I ran by people walking on the sidewalk we shared. Just months ago, I am sure that these were the same people who were trying to drive me into the street, the snow, the ice, the pits of hell, and anything else they could force me towards in order to abruptly end my run. But today, it was all smiles.... as well as some fine young gentleman actually cupped his cigarette when I ran by in order to avoid smoke heading my way... and so I guess maybe some of my faith in you bastards has been returned... (not all, some... we have a long way to go here people...)

4. One Word: ROADTRIP (that may be two words)-- That's right, this Friday, me and two buddies leave the confines of Gotham for points unknown in order to simply drive and get away. I have been on mini-roadtrips before but this weekend will be my first real trip where we could seriously end up anywhere... actually since we all have to work on Monday, probably not anywhere but we have nothing planned. It should be fun as we set our sights for warmer climates.. and hopefully the car will not break down and we will not have to eat each other to survive.. but then again, if that happpens, this blog would become a hell of a lot more interesting...

So there are some things that have made me happy lately... Oh I left out the fact that my half marathon this weekend turned out to be a giant success as me and one of my training buddies stuck 7 minute mile pace for the entire thing... now we just need to get faster, stay injury free, and focus... as there are eight weeks to go, we have a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we are wearing sunglasses... HIT IT... (and yes, I probably used that line before in one of my posts but GOD DAMN, it is a great line and a good one to end the night on...)

Later.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Rules of the Road

So months ago I started this little entry and then promptly forgot that I had started writing it until yesterday when I looked through my posts to see if had any drafts that I needed to finish. Funny thing is that even though I forgot about the damn thing, during every run that I have done since that time, I have thought about how I need to write about some general rules that I think that everyone should follow in terms of running. I mean its the least that I could do... so here is what I wrote way back when along with some new little bits and pieces...

(Cue the flashback noises from Wayne's World)

Today, while polishing off a quick three mile run through what has become the arctic that is New York City (remember, I warned everyone that the weather would soon bite us in the ass), I thought of some of the do's and mostly don'ts regarding running that I often want to bestow on people that I observe out their getting in their daily jaunt. As such, I decided that I would write them down and share my eternal wisdom to the world. I mean it is the holidays so here is some holiday cheer... (clearly I wrote this sometime after Christmas which is exactly around the time, i was trying to kick my extensive meth habit. As such, I blame the meth for me not remembering that i started this months ago.)

Rule #1: If You Can't Run, DON'T!!!!

Running is not for everyone, there are those that can and as I witness on a daily basis, there are those that simply cannot. And you know exactly who you are, cannot'ers, you are that overweight gentleman that I see each day doing some kind of fat man two step down the road at a pace that equals the speed of a normal human's walking gait OR you are the woman that I see each day who appear to be running like deer in slow motion bounding down the road absorbing every single step with the entirety of their bodies.

So to you and to the rest of the running disabled out there, I submit this simple plea, PLEASE STOP RUNNING...Now to backup a little bit, I am not saying that you never should run nor am I faulting you for attempting to run but the fact of the matter is that you are truly hurting your body more than you are actually benefiting it at this point. Mainly because running is a very very harsh activity physically. As such, your body is not going to like you very much if you continue to force your body to run because it cannot handle the constant pounding (insert porn joke). Further, this is why you probably feel like shit the day after you running and subsequently grow to hate running. Furthermore, there are plenty of lower impact activities that you can do that are not running and will benefit you and your body more like biking, walking, or using that elliptical thingy at the gym. (The one I fall off of when I use it.) Point is don't run atleast until you get in better shape and can handle running. (Yes, I am a running snob.)

Rule #2: Do Not Defer to Your Fellow Man's Own Decision Making When Running i.e. Don't Trust Anyone


So if you actually are one of the people that I will allow to run, the next rule basically means do not defer to anyone else's judgment or anticipate what anyone else is going to do while you are running. This means that if you see a biker coming towards you, do not assume that this person is going act rationally and move away from you and allow you to continue running in the direction in which you are running. I know from experience dude as I have been almost runover, sworn at, and basically run off the road by my friends on two wheels. I believe this mainly has to do with the inferiority complex that most bikers have towards running becuase they know that by biking they are simply cheating themselves out of a real workout since they can coast as much as they want. AND don't give me all that I really work when I am going up hills because I usually pass your douche bags when I am running.

Similarly, do not trust any of the cars that you see on the road because no matter what you think that they are going to do, they will do the exact opposite. Funny thing about this part of the rule is that at some point this winter, I failed to listen to my own rule and almost got totally douched by some dude from New Jersey. Basically, how it went down was that he had stopped at a stop sign while I approached on foot. At this point, I assumed (incorrectly) that he saw me and that I could run in front of his car. Clearly, I was mistaken as he started to move forward as soon as I was directly in front of his car. Then, a woman screamed and I jumped backwards barely missing getting runover. And why did this happen? BECAUSE I TRUSTED MY FELLOW MAN.... TRUST NO ONE WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING.... NO ONE.

Other caveats to this rule that I will not get into are bikers bike cause they cannot run and run against traffic so you see the person's face before they kill you.

Rule #3: Do What You Can to Support Your Fellow Runners

This is going to be my final rule for the evening mainly because I know that no one is reading my pathetic ramblings. And actually the last rule is pretty simple, respect the people who are out there running. No matter what I do and where I run, I always make sure that I waive hi, clap, nod or whatever when I see a fellow runner out there working the pavement because I know that at some point, I will need this kind of support on one of my runs. (I even do this for the people I discussed in Rule #1 because no matter what I may think that are doing i.e. dying, aggressive walking, or plodding, they are still essentially running.)

Now this rule finds it origins back in New England where I became a runner. Back in NE, everyone and I mean everyone greets fellow runners when they see them out on the streets. I mean I could be running 20 miles and feeling like death, I will still give a what's up to whomever I pass. Similarly in Tennessee where I spent some time running last year, everyone including cars driving by do that little one finger raised salute when they pass someone on the road including me running. Of course in New York City, everyone is too cool to give a hi or whatever mainly because we don't want to exhibit any type actions that may actually show that we care for anyone else but ourselves. Sure after 9/11, New Yorkers loved each other and went out of there way to show this love, but things have cooled enormously in Gotham since that time.

Sadly, when I first moved here, I too became an introvert and ignored my fellow brethren in the running society avoiding eye contact and any type of greeting. Instead, I coldly shuffled on alone in my own private running pain cave. BUT I am happy to report that since my recent running kick, I have decided to say FUCK IT and now greet every runner that I meet out on the City streets like a madman. Sure this causes uncomfort in some and pure terror in others, but I know that running kharma has a way of catching up to you sooner or later and I would rather appease the running gods rather than piss them off. As such, if you notice some bearded homeless guy running like he is being chased by the cops but waiving when he goes by, that's probably me in all of my running insanity.

So those are the rules. Do what you will with them but remember if you choose to ignore them, someday one of these rules will bite you in the ass while you are out on a run.... and then you will remember how Uncle Rain Delay once warned you about the rules of the road... Now if you will excuse me, I have to go back loving the way I run.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

This is going to suck...

Before I post a real post later this evening, I figured that I would cheat a little bit in terms of something that you actually want to read and provide a little self progress report i.e. a quick update on my training for the big marathon in Burlington, VT in May. (I am also doing this because Mr. S. emailed me asking about the traing and that reminded me that I have not said a word about it in a month. For those that don't know, Mr. S. doored me about three years ago in a 10k and I secretly vowed to make sure that I was always in shape to run any race that he was in just so that he did not woop my ass again. Not that I am ashamed that he beat me, but I am ashamed that I talked a big game before and then had it handed to me for 10 kilometers.)

ANWAY, I now sit about 9 weeks or less off from the big dance and from what I can tell this is truly going to be a tough goal in qualifying for Boston. Although I never doubted that it would be, I also never really appreciated exactly what i am going to have to do in order to toe the line in April of 2007 up in Beantown as a qualifier. I mean I have to run really really fast.

Now, to some of you out there right now, you may be saying to yourself or outloud at the computer, "No shit man... it's a marathon that you are trying to run at 7:15 mile pace... and that just sounds impossible..." OR others of you are saying, "You are a crazy fucker and we want you to die." Now, I am not sure where that second perspective works into this whole puzzle, but I agree with the sentiment that I should have previously appreciated the true magnititude of what I was getting myself into before I started this whole training program. But the thing was that I trained for a marathon before and that in all honesty was not that bad. Now, however, with a track workout and a long run each week that has to be fast, training has started to really open my eyes to what I am going to take on in a few months. All I know is that no matter what I am going to be in serious pain and may go to the hospital by the end of it. So I have that to look forward to...

As for the training, I have run a couple of 16+ mile runs with one that I averaged 7:30 per mile, which I was mildly impressed with although it caused me the fear that I wrote about in the paragraph above. I have been basically laying fire to the track each time I step on it. As a result, even though though I may have some trepidation about what I have gotten myself into, qualifying for this bad boy may be in my proverbial wheelhouse...as long as I keep running... and running... and RUNNING...

of course the reality is...

It's still gonna suck.