Monday and Jesus Loves Facebook

Madame X is so overwhelmed with love for her Savior today.

Weird cause I just talked to Jesus, which I do on the daily when I am taking a dump and he just wanted me to let you know that first off if you really think he wastes his time checking facebook to see who does or does not love him, then he really just doesn't want you to be part of the cult (err i mean) clan anymore... Seriously, he says he has a lot and he means alot of important shit to do and facebook is not one of them...  Oh and he wanted me to let you know that you are going straight to hell..  cheers!

Cause Wednesday is Crazy Pants Day

Mr. X says: Its offical as of today, I am divorced from the exwife who commited adultry. It is a GREAT day.

Well, I am glad that we got that cleared up. I mean nothing says too much information then declaring to the world that a) your divorce is final and b) that your ex wife (who probably most of your Facebook friends know) committed adultery... Kudos fella… Maybe we can get her to change her Facebook status so that she equally celebrates the finalized divorce with a little nugget about you beating her. Then, all parties will be able to participate in a new legal proceeding for libel because clearly, you guys have not had enough court time together.

(P.S. when posting such a celebratory declaration to the world, one should probably consider using this thing they have on all computers called spell check that way people will only read your status and think your asshole and not an stupid asshole.)

Unnecessary Facebook Status Update of the Day

Person X is sad. The person I was supposed to donate my bone marrow to has died.

My thoughts:

Um, way to depress me. I am sorry but this is a complete misuse of a status update and probably a HIPAA violation. Way to ruin my day Person X, way to ruin my day.

More Facebook status madness

Lady X says: someone please remind me why I had 3 kids in 4.5 yrs!!!!!!!

My answer:

Cause you were a giant whore in high school and apparently, you have continued in that role straight into adulthood...

Oh and here's another one:

Lady Y pretty much makes milk just on the one side now.

What the FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I mean sweet jesus that is disgusting. No one and I mean NO FUCKEN ONE wants to know about your ability or inability to make breast milk. And for that matter no one wants to suck on your boobs... not even your kids who I am happy to report can now read and are HORRIFIED that you posted about your breast milk making problem...

DISCRETION PEOPLE COME ON!

Ever since I was little I have watched Saturday Night Live to the point where sunday afternoons in teh summer were spent watching the previous night's show at dinner with my family.  AND for years, it has been my dream to go watch SNL (for lack of better word) live.  I mean I have watched this show when it sucked, when it was mediocre, when it had Fallon, when it sucked so more, and now am basking in its current glory... BUT I have never got to go..

And then this conversation happened....

12:26 PM Greg: ew're going to see SNL tonight

 me: u are?

  FUCK YOU

 Greg: yeah gfoign to sit in the writer's room

 me: seriously

 Greg: suck my dick now

 me: i really hate u

  u dont even like that show

  neither of u do

12:27 PM Greg: i like it more than i don't

 me: I have been committed since day one

  this is bull shit

  THE ONLY PERSON THAT DESERVES TO GO IS ME

  GOD DAMN YOU

 Greg: carl fengler is going

  rap your brain around THTT

 me: SERIOSULY

  i am sick

  i am canceling watching the game

  go have fun

 Greg: haha

 me: watch the game with Fang

12:28 PM Fuck you

  FUCK YOU

  FUCK

  YOU

 Greg: i invited him to your place

  that's cool right?

12:29 PM me: no

  why wasnt i invited

  when did bobby graduate

12:30 PM this is crap

  total crap

12:31 PM Greg: you are taking it well...

 me: its hrose shit

  thats all

  i am being honest

  u want me to lie about it

  ?

 Greg: didn't reqlize you'd be so jealous

12:32 PM me: how could u not

  ?

 Greg: you can take my spot

 me: ha

  no

  just let me stew

12:33 PM Greg: my balls are stew

 me: ya

  its ok

  seth rogen

  next week is Efron

  then Timberlake

  then Ferrell

12:34 PM u would have known that if u listened to the Bill HAder podcast that I listened to

  cause thats what real fans do

  oh wait right u just "get" to go to SNL

 Greg: truth

 me: look at me

  I watch the show every once and awhile

12:35 PM DID YOU SUFFER AND BLEED WITH THEM

  DID YOU!

And so once again, I am not going but my buddy Greg who is a casual fan at best is now going.... So to reiterate... FUCK YOU GREG!

Random Facebook Thought

Since today is a day of Facebook fueled banter, I just had the following thought:

Fact: People set pictures of their kids as their profile pictures on Facebook.

Fact: People often alternate between children if they have more than one.

Query: If Shawn Kemp or Travis Henry have a Facebook page, what do they do?

My First Potty: Entry 2

Person X just funded 8 seconds of peacekeeping in troubled regions! -- Play free games to Save the Planet!

So let me get this one straight. All we ever had to do in order to assist peacekeeping in troubled regions was to play a game on Facebook? Really?

Now you will have to excuse me while I put in a phone call to the United Nations, NATO, The Hague, and all the other international peacekeeping bodies out there and tell them to wrap it up... Facebook has got this one covered...

(Note: I am not sure the Hague is a peacekeeping body... but you get my drift.)

My First Potty

As we all know, Facebook is a phenomena that has swept our nation. One cannot go a day without discussing the new format change, joining somebody's mob, or why the fuck people believe that lil' green patches are saving the rain forest.

I admit that I too have fallen victims to its powers and am regularly on the site updating my status (20 times a day) and checking up on people from my past. In fact, I am such a Facebook whore that my friends have recruited me to friend as many people as possible in order to keep tabs on all of our former classmates.

As a result of my duties, I have become obsessed with people's status updates and the lack of etiquette that many people exhibit when commenting on their daily life. For example, I do not think it is appropriate or safe for someone to let the world know that you are going on vacation for three weeks. (and I am guilty of this one as well)... Let's play this one out... what if a claimed friend who has been using the site to stalk you (read me) sees this update and decides that they are now going to go over to your place and rob you or use your house to film a porno??

Anyway, the updates that really get me are the ones that contain some ridiculous statement about what their child is doing.. I really don't fucken care... Moreover, I don't fucken care about breast feeding or how you're are tired of doing it.. Finally, I don't fucken care nor do I want you to comment on my facebook and tell me how you would love to run as much as I do but you decided to have 17 children... More power to you but don't use your worthless snot nose brats as the reason that you have become fat and lazy... It doesn't fly with me...

And so, I have decided that I will use this entry to compile all of the ridiculous status updates that I come across on a daily basis... So sit back, relax...and enjoy the douchebaggery:

Entry One-My kid and his shit fetish:

I can't believe it....but INSERT BABY NAME just pooped in the potty for the first time!!! All on his own and then he came to get me! I'm so HAPPY!! :).

Analysis: Ok this one is way too much information. More power to the kid for squeezing off his first number 2 in the Porcelain God. I am sure it's a tremendous source of pride for you, your family, and maybe even your closest of friends... But seriously, the rest of us do not care if he shit in the bowl, on the floor, or in your mouth... get over it.

Sorry immediately after I posted this I found out that someone had commented on the post and wrote the following:

Way to go- You're such a big boy to go poop on the potty! Good timing too, cause you did while your gramma is there. Maybe we should start calling her poopy gramma!

Um we do realize that the kid did not write this right? We know he cannot write? We also know that Gramma does not want to be called poopy gramma because of that whole incident in Thailand? The world has lost its proverbial mind.

One final thought since i had to analyze this issue further... Apparently, we have a prodigy on our hands.. Based on the comment above, one can only assume that the kid has the ability to read, write, and pose as his mother on Facebook. I am not sure what evil genius this child will grow up to be but I am putting my money on the fact that he will go by the moniker, The Poop Avenger.

Your Birthday

Last night we celebrated your birthday but you were not there.  Atleast that's what I thought when the night began... It felt weird to be at the old spot with my old seat and our old bartender serving me wine... I felt alone and was sad since I wanted you sitting there next to me. It was your birthday and you deserved to be there....

But then as the night went on...your friends and my friends filled the place with laughter and tears, I realized that you were there all along... sitting right next to me smiling with that smile and laughing with your laugh...And so instead of dreading your birthday, we CELEBRATED your birthday.

I love you.

The Simplest Things

Life can get away from you if you let it. My life recently got pretty far away from me to the point that I was not sure if there was ever any going back. I lost focus, I lost love, I lost heart, I lost soul, and I lost purpose. I let myself be led to a very dark place.

And then, I got lucky. I was lucky because a series of events reminded me why I am still here, what my edge in life is, and what my focus is...

Man did I get lucky.

Maybe

Maybe one day you make a goal.  And maybe as time passes you are suddenly only days before that goal and you start to get scared and sad... because you know that you are on the doorstep of accomplishing that goal... and maybe that causes you  to worry about the littlest things that may prevent you from accomplishing that goal....  AND THEN once you get over the scared, maybe you are sad... because no matter how many miles you run or how hard you try, she won't be there at the end to see you finish... she will still be gone... taken way too soon... you will still go to bed alone at night.... and you will still struggle to figure out why... 

And maybe the you is me.

Random Anecdote

So my friend was telling me today about her experience at the DMV this morning. In a demonstration of how my mind works, the following story came to mind from my freshman year of college

In the fall of my first semester of college, I went to see Weezer at the Roseland Ballroom in New York City. The show was amazing, but afterwards my buddies and I decided it would be fun to get into some New York City style trouble.

As a result, immediately after the show, we went to a 25 cent peep show place in the Times Square area. In 1996, these places still existed as it was the era right before the 25 cent peeps were eliminated entirely and Disney took over the entire area.

The place was your standard dirty mess of a store with an adult video store on the first floor and booths for viewing on the second. After climbing the stairs to the viewing area, I put my quarter in, up went the screen, and I came face to face with this giant naked black woman. Shocked and speechless, I continued to stare without a word coming from my mouth. Then, in attempt to not look this woman in the eye or at her any longer, I began to let my eyes take in all that was the peep show viewing room. (a colossal mistake) At which point, I noticed over her shoulder another larger naked black woman sitting on a stool in the corner behind eating Chinese food. Clearly, she was on a break, and clearly, she was hungry.

Fortunately or unfortunately since there were no safe places to look in the viewing area, my eyes were not able to linger as the woman in front of me said in a loud BOOMING, "Well what you want me to do for you..."

As I cringed and stepped away from the screen, she then took stock of the young fresh face standing in front of her noticing that I had a shaved head. Apparently, my haircut set off some kind of alarm in her mind because she soon followed her initial inquiry with "What's wrong with you, you some kind of racist... you a skinhead?"

Once again, unable to speak, I slunk further back towards the door… praying that the screen would soon close. Mercifully, the screen closed a few short seconds later… and i ran down the stairs and out the front door where my friends were on the sidewalk with equally terrified faces…

And so that is exactly how I imagine my friends trip to the DMV went this morning… shocked silence… a face filled with terror… an immediate and expedient exit when she was done with her business…and possible a little nudity...

My Continuing Legal Education

I attended a continuing legal education course this evening.  Attendance at these courses is required in order to remain an attorney in good standing in the State of New York.... As a result, these classes tend to be less about actual learning and instead, really serve as a three hour block of time for my fellow attorneys to figure out a way to appear interested in the lecture being given...

As such, the majority of attendies spend their time in a frenetic email orgy  on their black berries, which they sometimes coyly hide in their laps while others simply do not give a fuck and keep them in plain sight.  Or some like the gentleman I saw this evening have two blackberries and two cell phones sitting in front of them during the lecture... i can only imagine by the end of the three hour session, he was in full messaging lather unable to discern between the real world and the world at his finger tips...

Meanwhile, other attendees do listen.  However, these individuals are not really there to learn and instead spend their time trying to fomulate the most convoluted "gotcha" style question in order to prove that they are mentally superior to the panel giving the lecture.  This type of attendee acts in this manner because they are simply reliving their law school years where they spent their time sitting in the front of the class engaging the professor in hours of non-sensical legal discussion about whether or not a binding contract is created when a party to said contract after saying the word "accept" was immediately run over by a pack of wild dogs and killed... Meanwhile, the rest of us (myself included) sat in the back of the class hoping that either the professor or this piece of shit would have an anorysm or simply pass out from talking too much. I also wanted to drive a pencil through both of their skulls...

And the third group of attendees kind of listens to the lecture... kind of doodles... maybe checks the baseball score.. thinks about dinner... maybe a beer.. writes... stares off in space... sleeps.. or basically watches the clock like we are in detention on a friday afternoon.

Not sure exactly what the NY Bar is hoping to achieve by all of this but I am pretty sure its not working.

Thankfully, this evening was relatively painless since the extensive question cocksmokery was kept to a minimum this evening, and I was able to sit quietly and write this entry while everyone else around me tapped away on their blackberries creating an impromptu legal drum circle... and, they served light refreshments.

Training

So as I wrote a long time ago, I am running the NYC marathon this november 2nd and with the recent events in my life, my finishing this marathon is going to happen even if I have to crawl across the entire sucker...  

Thankfully that does not appear to be necessary since even though my right knee has continuously reminded me that it doesn't like to run marathons anymore, so far the training has been going ok.  I finished a 15 miler two weeks ago and have my sights set on an 18 miler this weekend.  I am definitely not as fast as I used to be but I think thats just what happens when you are a 30 year old runner who has run since he was 4 years old.  (Yeah my parents used to race me Kentucky Derby style, i wonder if they ever made side bets?)

And so, I have a little less than two months before the big day and I feel like with my added motivation of keeping my promise, this marathon doesn't stand a chance.  Plus, it's New York City the craziest marathon in the world.  

So i will keep you posted on my training in the next couple of months... but i am locked and ready to kick some ass...

Politics

From my liberal perspective, I like many others have considered the last 8 years to be a total failure in terms of our current president.  Yes, he dealt with 9/11 and yes, it was time to act on terrorism... but what he forgot was that he led a country that needed him.   A country who was falling apart internally while he attempted to protect us through wars in an area of the world that was simply waiting for us to declare war so that they could justify their next 1000 terrorist actions.  

And so now as we are on the precipous of the most important election of my lifetime, my friends find it necessary to discuss with me on a daily basis who will win this election, how they cannot believe McCain has supporters, and how crazy it is that he may be the next President.

How did they all just forget about the last 8 years?  I mean seriously we just let a clown run our country for four years and then, when we knew he was a fucken disaster, we re-elected his sorry ass.  (Yes, I know that the Dem's candidates were weak but still, they also had  a pulse right?) 

So how it is a surprise that a man that is 2-3 years pre-death and who has changed most of his principles in order to get in favor with the Republican Party i.e. the party of the douchebag running this shit show, is now neck and neck with the Democratic candidate?  

It's not.. that's the point.   We live in a country of forgivers and believers (in Jesus).  

And that is why I cannot deal with my friends that keep bringing up the current race and react on a daily basis like the apocalypse is upon us.  (We are already living in the era of the death of the US)...Especially since in New York City, this conversation/debate is completely futile because frankly, my friends and I are not deciding this election because our votes don't matter.  New York City and the State of New York are not going to decide this sucker... 

Therefore, I cannot deal with their daily attacks of shock and awe.  Instead, I think the best policy and the only policy we can have as meaningless contributors to the Electoral College is to hope for the best and hope that history does not repeat itself.   Of course, I also hope for the best when in terms of winning the lottery or actually making a career out of the words I write on this blog so sadly, I think that I like the Democratic Party may be screwed.... but then again, stranger things have happened....

So go out in vote this november for the candidate that won't continue the last 8 years... And if that doesn't happen, let's all just get a compound in Canada... although we probably cannot afford it since the dollar sucks.... thank you Mr. President.

Unleash the Beast

Life is not fair... and even though, we may think that tragedy will never touch us personally, inevitably,  it will.  

For me, tragedy and the unfairness of life struck me on July 22, 2008 when the love of my life passed away after a heroic battle with cancer.  Long ago, I wrote about a friend being sick and that I could not wait till that friend kicked the bug and won...  At the time, I did not want to make to specific since I knew the the people that needed to know, knew and the randoms who stumble on this site, did not need to...  Sadly, unfairly, and tragically, we lost that battle.  A person who loved me unconditionally (which if you read this mother fucker seems to be near impossible) and who I just wanted to hold at the end of each day is now gone...

SMK-- you are my heart, my soul, my existence and I will make you proud.. 

and I am left to to figure out what happens next... 

And so here is what happens next... this space... this time... these words become my attack on the world.. life and everything that I endure on a daily basis... the struggle all of us face is to live life as best we can.. because I refuse to forget her and not live my life as best as I can... 

So consider this notice as once again, I begin again...

Little Six Never Hurt No One

Except me. Not going to lie causeI kinda feel like I just got run over by a car. I went for six today to kick off the NY Marathon training to the track in Central Park, which is located up on the West Side in the Park. Anyway, on the map I used to find it, there was a notation "the hill" or "the big hill" but really it should have been labeled, "your run is over motha fucka hill" because once I got up it, I was lead legged for the remainder of the run. Lots of weezing soon ensued...

So as I sit here with a couple of ice bags on my knees and shins, I would say that the training has officially started with a swift kick in the ass and a reminder that this is going to be a long hellish road.

Got to just keep fighting...

Minivan Factory

I understand that this story is sad because people are losing their jobs and that can make things unbelievably tough... BUT.. maybe Chrysler has to cut all these jobs because they still had a factory dedicated to minivans... Now, I remember a time back in the 80's and possibly early 90's went my parents used to roll up in a powder blue Voyager... but that's over a decade ago... Look out the fucken window..

From Yahoo:

Chrysler to close 1 plant, cut production at 2nd

By TOM KRISHER, AP Auto WriterMon Jun 30, 7:30 PM ET

The worsening U.S. auto sales slump hit Chrysler LLC again Monday as it announced plans to close one St. Louis-area factory and cut a shift from another because of declining demand for minivans and pickups.
Officials with the Auburn Hills-based automaker said in a conference call that it will shutter the St. Louis South plant, which makes minivans, effective Oct. 31. The St. Louis North plant, which makes full-size pickups, will be cut from two shifts to one effective Sept. 2.
The minivan plant's closure will cut 1,500 jobs, and it wasn't clear if the company would ever recall the 900 workers who will be laid off at the pickup truck plant. Both factories are in Fenton, a St. Louis suburb.
Chrysler President and Vice Chairman Tom LaSorda said the company has no plans to reopen the minivan plant. He said there's only enough minivan demand for three shifts, which the company already has running at its factory in Windsor, Ontario.
"We have too much capacity," he said, adding that the company had to reduce its factory capacity to remove fixed costs. "Those are the tough decisions we have to make, but that's the decision we did make."
LaSorda also denied rumors that Chrysler's owner, Cerberus Capital Management LP, planned to sell the company in pieces.
"Hogwash, absolutely not being considered at all," he said. "Absolutely no relevance. I don't even want to entertain those questions."
He would not say if workers at the pickup truck plant could be recalled, adding that the company never announces whether a shift cut is permanent "because that is something we cannot foresee."
The company will hold meetings with affected workers to review severance programs, LaSorda said.
LaSorda blamed the moves on a slowing economy, high gasoline prices and a shift in consumer demand from larger vehicles to smaller, more fuel-efficient ones.
He said the private company is meeting or exceeding its financial targets but "this environment is forcing us to make some very difficult decisions."
Vice Chairman and President Jim Press said despite the cuts, Chrysler remains bullish on the minivan and pickups. He said there's a market for people who need pickups for work, and that minivans are fuel-efficient alternatives to big sport utility vehicles.
"We have to better align the volume with our inventories," he said.
He would not rule out further cuts in pickup production, depending on market demand.
"We're assessing this as the industry continues to move," he said, adding that he's hopeful the new 2009 Ram pickup will sell well. "The thing that keeps these places running is what happens at retail and what happens in the marketplace. Things are shifting, but people still need trucks."
Also Monday, Press said June sales continued the downward trend from May, with a continued shift from trucks to cars. Automakers announce June sales on Tuesday. He also said Chrysler is making progress in shrinking its model lineup, but he would not say when that would be complete.
Monday's announcement comes after Chrysler lengthened summer shutdowns at several plants.
The company said in a memo sent to workers Wednesday that it would close the Toledo North Assembly Plant in Ohio for seven weeks from July 7 through the week of Aug. 18 due to sagging sales. The plant makes the Jeep Liberty and Dodge Nitro midsize SUVs.
The Newark, Del., Assembly Plant, which makes the Dodge Durango and Chrysler Aspen SUVs, was closed starting Monday for five weeks, with workers scheduled to return Aug. 4, and the Warren, Mich., truck plant, which makes the Dodge Ram pickup, will shut down for five weeks this summer, according to union officials.
Most auto factories are idled for only one or two weeks during the summer as the company shifts from one model year to the next.
Chrysler's U.S. sales were down 25 percent in May, a month in which the whole market dropped 11 percent when compared with May 2007. Through the first five months of the year, Chrysler's sales were off 19 percent, with huge drops in larger vehicles that make up most of its lineup.
Ram pickup sales were down almost 27 percent when compared with the first five months of 2007. Sales of the Dodge Caravan minivan were down almost 35 percent through May, while sales were off just over 13 percent for the Chrysler Town & Country minivan.
LaSorda said the company is still meeting or exceeding all of its internal financial goals, and that it had cut production last year in anticipation of a U.S. market slowdown.
"It's important that we act now to better align ourselves with the current market reality," he said.
General Motors Corp. and Ford Motor Co. already have announced cuts due to the latest market downturn. Chrysler announced cuts in November, but analysts have said the company needs to do more.
___

So it begins again

No not my latest excuse for why I have not been writing... (See traveling back and forth to Cleveland, long nights at the office, and general laziness)

But actually the start of another marathon training session. I got into the New York City Marathon, which behind Boston is the only marathon I ever really wanted to run. So here I go again, back to an 18 week plan with the hopes of not damaging or injuring further my right knee... so far I have started a slow build and think i am all set to do the first run tomorrow.

We will see... as usual I will probably commit to the marathon like this blog...

Properly serviced...

On my flight to Cleveland this morning, the flight attendant while preparing us for our initial descent into the local Cleveland area, got on the mic to thank us all for flying Continental Airlines and added that it was her pleasure "servicing us" this morning.

Unfortunately, this was the 630 AM flight from New York City to Cleveland so most of the rest of the passengers were sleeping and it appears that I was the only one that caught this slip. Or maybe I just missed out on something because I certainly was not serviced this morning... which is probably a good thing since my girlfriend and her mother were sitting next to me on the flight.

The whole situation would have just been really uncomfortable... but for those of you flying keep your eye out for the Continental Airlines flight crew out of Houston....because they may or may not service you...