Jury Duty

Jury duty and jury service is often viewed as a giant inconvenience, pain in the ass, and waste of time by people, who are unfortunate enough to receive that little notification in the mail. I mean who really wants to sit there and listen to a bunch of lawyers yammer on about how important their case is, how seriously the parties take the matter, and how they need the jurors to resolve this dispute since the parties cannot do it on their own... (Read: Someone is holding back on the money to see how far they can push it before someone blinks and just settles the damn thing.)

And as someone that selects juries on a fairly regular basis, I would love to sell you on how important jurors are to the process, how the service is invaluable, blah blah blah... but truly, most trials settle and the likelihood of the lawyers ever needing the jury to make a decision is slim to none cause nobody wants to place the fate of their client's monetary future at the whim of six people who were dumb enough to not talk themselves off the jury in the first place. That's right folks, the only people who get selected to a jury are the ones who are just dumb enough to get picked or even worse, are the people who really want to serve on a jury i.e. crazy people, old people, and those individuals with full frontal lobotomy's. I mean shit this site about how to get out of jury duty was the first link that came up when I googled the phrase, "jury duty."

But with all of that being said, the last couple of trials have allowed me to realize the unintentional comedy or possibly genius intentional comedy that is being showcased by potential jurors on a daily basis. I mean in the last two weeks, I had two upstanding young gentlemen, who decided that in preparation for their jury service, they would wear the finest t-shirts in their respective bureaus with Gentleman # 1 wearing the I LOVE HOT MOMS t-shirt displayed below and Gentleman # 2 wearing a shirt that stated, "Your Name Must Be Summer Cause You Look So HOT!"

Accompanying his fine t-shirt, Gentleman #1 listed on the Juror Questionnaire that his hobbies including Drinking, Shoot Hoops, Dancing, and Tanning. While Gentleman #2 had decided that the t-shirt alone was not enough to fully portray his true style so he coupled this shirt with the old school pants sag with visible boxer short accompaniment. And as a final cherry on top of his overall image, Gentleman #1 informed myself and plaintiff's counsel that the female attorney representing a co-defendant selecting the jury with us needed to stop flirting with him during her questioning. (For the record, she had not said word one at the time he made this accusation.)

And while it may seem that I am knockin these guys, I really wanted to thank them for being candid about their thoughts on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I mean with outfits like those, there really was no need to dig any further to figure out what type of juror they could potentially be, how seriously they would take the process if selected, or whose boobs and ass they would be staring at the entire trial. And actually that made my job a hell of a lot easier when making decisions on who to select for the jury because as I stated, the only people who get picked are the people dumb enough not to get off. (read into that what you will.)

And since, I have nothing else to add to this topic and need to get home to take care of some shiz.. i will leave it at that.... and with the following words of advice:

If all else fails and it looks like you are going to get picked for a jury... just punch the person to your immediate right in the face as hard as you can... 60% of the time, it works everytime.