So clearly last week and the week before, some shit in my life went down. I will not get into the details since I respect and care for the other individual involved, but the brass tax of it is that I do not know what I want in life and thus consistently find a new way to destroy all that is actually good in my world. I have succeeded once again. I know that I will live to regret this and hopefully one day I will make it all good again.
This change of life of course has led me to reconsider all that I know in life and to re-assess how my own life is going. And to be quite frank, I don't like it. If you have read closely throughout these months each of the entries have consistently demonstrated another part of my life that I view as an imperfection. I am a hyper critical guy about my life and the way it is going even if I may doing just great in so many other people's eyes.
To me, I want to be something better than I am. I want to be an individual that never wakes with a hangover. I want to be the type of person that gets up on a Saturday and has run five miles before noon so that I have the rest of the day to take care of whatever is important in my life and still make time for a great dinner that evening. I want to not lose minutes and days due to boredom or laziness.
And you know what this is type of life is what I have wanted for years and every once and awhile and more and more recently on a weekly basis, I find myself lamenting my life choices and wanting to be something else. I want to change but then I never do.
And I guess, I wonder how, HOW do we make these seemingly easy and expansive life changes which are achievable and yet we do not want to put forth the effort to make them work. How is it easier for me to break someone's heart and yet still spend the weekend self-destructing?
I guess that is what I am struggling with right now... And if the answer calls you, let me know.
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