Time Management

Before leaving work this afternoon around 6 or so, I polished off my fourth bottle of water for the day. This is nothing unusual as I tend to drink more than my share of water and have done so for as long as I can remember. What can I say, I am constantly thirsty and can feel a noticeable difference when I have not consumed my 300 gallons for the day. (come to think of it, maybe, I am aqua man.)

While this has never changed, my ability to gauge when I will need to urinate after consuming the water in question is currently completely out of whack. I used to be able to figure when this need would arise right down to the appropriate nano-second for the commencement of operation urination. But lately, I have been forced to either break out into a full fledged sprint to the bathroom or to do this weird uncomfortable shuffle speed walk that maximizes my speed while minimizing any potential accidents in order to avoid explaining to my entire office, why at 28 years old I have pissed my pants like Miles Davis. (wait that is not the line)

Today was no exception....because after polishing off the bottle of water at my office and riding the subway for ten minutes, I found my fat ass shuffling mightily through the streets of Williamsburg, sweating and praying that I would get home before the mother fucken dam broke in order to avoid being the subject of millions of hipster blogs writing about the fat guy, who was sadly incontinent. Thankfully, today like all the times prior to today, I managed to get home without incident and successfully completed the self-evacuation process... Take that you hipster scumbags... Go back to Colby.

What is more worrisome and brings me pause is when did I lose the ability to gauge my need to pee or why have I suddenly started the practice of shuffling from the subway to my apartment praying that all hell does not break loose?

What has caused my constant mismanagement or misdiagnosis of when I will next need to urinate?

Is this just a sign of things to come? Should I just go out and by the Depends right now? I mean I am not necessarily ready for the adult diaper, but if strapping one on means that I will not be struggling to avoid public embarassment, I may have to look into it.

Or maybe, I could simply drink less water, but that seems like a horrible idea. I mean what if there is a drought or if the entire water supply is contaminated?

I guess for now, I will simply have to increase my vigilance of monitoring my internal warning system while simultaneously developing new and creative ways to get to the nearest restroom without incident in order to keep my present prestigious streak alive...