Rules of the Road

So months ago I started this little entry and then promptly forgot that I had started writing it until yesterday when I looked through my posts to see if had any drafts that I needed to finish. Funny thing is that even though I forgot about the damn thing, during every run that I have done since that time, I have thought about how I need to write about some general rules that I think that everyone should follow in terms of running. I mean its the least that I could do... so here is what I wrote way back when along with some new little bits and pieces...

(Cue the flashback noises from Wayne's World)

Today, while polishing off a quick three mile run through what has become the arctic that is New York City (remember, I warned everyone that the weather would soon bite us in the ass), I thought of some of the do's and mostly don'ts regarding running that I often want to bestow on people that I observe out their getting in their daily jaunt. As such, I decided that I would write them down and share my eternal wisdom to the world. I mean it is the holidays so here is some holiday cheer... (clearly I wrote this sometime after Christmas which is exactly around the time, i was trying to kick my extensive meth habit. As such, I blame the meth for me not remembering that i started this months ago.)

Rule #1: If You Can't Run, DON'T!!!!

Running is not for everyone, there are those that can and as I witness on a daily basis, there are those that simply cannot. And you know exactly who you are, cannot'ers, you are that overweight gentleman that I see each day doing some kind of fat man two step down the road at a pace that equals the speed of a normal human's walking gait OR you are the woman that I see each day who appear to be running like deer in slow motion bounding down the road absorbing every single step with the entirety of their bodies.

So to you and to the rest of the running disabled out there, I submit this simple plea, PLEASE STOP RUNNING...Now to backup a little bit, I am not saying that you never should run nor am I faulting you for attempting to run but the fact of the matter is that you are truly hurting your body more than you are actually benefiting it at this point. Mainly because running is a very very harsh activity physically. As such, your body is not going to like you very much if you continue to force your body to run because it cannot handle the constant pounding (insert porn joke). Further, this is why you probably feel like shit the day after you running and subsequently grow to hate running. Furthermore, there are plenty of lower impact activities that you can do that are not running and will benefit you and your body more like biking, walking, or using that elliptical thingy at the gym. (The one I fall off of when I use it.) Point is don't run atleast until you get in better shape and can handle running. (Yes, I am a running snob.)

Rule #2: Do Not Defer to Your Fellow Man's Own Decision Making When Running i.e. Don't Trust Anyone

So if you actually are one of the people that I will allow to run, the next rule basically means do not defer to anyone else's judgment or anticipate what anyone else is going to do while you are running. This means that if you see a biker coming towards you, do not assume that this person is going act rationally and move away from you and allow you to continue running in the direction in which you are running. I know from experience dude as I have been almost runover, sworn at, and basically run off the road by my friends on two wheels. I believe this mainly has to do with the inferiority complex that most bikers have towards running becuase they know that by biking they are simply cheating themselves out of a real workout since they can coast as much as they want. AND don't give me all that I really work when I am going up hills because I usually pass your douche bags when I am running.

Similarly, do not trust any of the cars that you see on the road because no matter what you think that they are going to do, they will do the exact opposite. Funny thing about this part of the rule is that at some point this winter, I failed to listen to my own rule and almost got totally douched by some dude from New Jersey. Basically, how it went down was that he had stopped at a stop sign while I approached on foot. At this point, I assumed (incorrectly) that he saw me and that I could run in front of his car. Clearly, I was mistaken as he started to move forward as soon as I was directly in front of his car. Then, a woman screamed and I jumped backwards barely missing getting runover. And why did this happen? BECAUSE I TRUSTED MY FELLOW MAN.... TRUST NO ONE WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING.... NO ONE.

Other caveats to this rule that I will not get into are bikers bike cause they cannot run and run against traffic so you see the person's face before they kill you.

Rule #3: Do What You Can to Support Your Fellow Runners

This is going to be my final rule for the evening mainly because I know that no one is reading my pathetic ramblings. And actually the last rule is pretty simple, respect the people who are out there running. No matter what I do and where I run, I always make sure that I waive hi, clap, nod or whatever when I see a fellow runner out there working the pavement because I know that at some point, I will need this kind of support on one of my runs. (I even do this for the people I discussed in Rule #1 because no matter what I may think that are doing i.e. dying, aggressive walking, or plodding, they are still essentially running.)

Now this rule finds it origins back in New England where I became a runner. Back in NE, everyone and I mean everyone greets fellow runners when they see them out on the streets. I mean I could be running 20 miles and feeling like death, I will still give a what's up to whomever I pass. Similarly in Tennessee where I spent some time running last year, everyone including cars driving by do that little one finger raised salute when they pass someone on the road including me running. Of course in New York City, everyone is too cool to give a hi or whatever mainly because we don't want to exhibit any type actions that may actually show that we care for anyone else but ourselves. Sure after 9/11, New Yorkers loved each other and went out of there way to show this love, but things have cooled enormously in Gotham since that time.

Sadly, when I first moved here, I too became an introvert and ignored my fellow brethren in the running society avoiding eye contact and any type of greeting. Instead, I coldly shuffled on alone in my own private running pain cave. BUT I am happy to report that since my recent running kick, I have decided to say FUCK IT and now greet every runner that I meet out on the City streets like a madman. Sure this causes uncomfort in some and pure terror in others, but I know that running kharma has a way of catching up to you sooner or later and I would rather appease the running gods rather than piss them off. As such, if you notice some bearded homeless guy running like he is being chased by the cops but waiving when he goes by, that's probably me in all of my running insanity.

So those are the rules. Do what you will with them but remember if you choose to ignore them, someday one of these rules will bite you in the ass while you are out on a run.... and then you will remember how Uncle Rain Delay once warned you about the rules of the road... Now if you will excuse me, I have to go back loving the way I run.