Tis the Season

To post really disturbing shiz on facebook, today's prime is example comes from somewhere out west, as Mommy X writes:

"Got some fireworks to put in the boys' stockings--they are going to LOVE Santa (and my parenting skills get better with each passing year:))

Now, admittedly, I am not a parent and probably in some states it is illegal for me to be within 100 feet of a child, but I am pretty confident that providing your children, who appear to be no older than five years old, with low level explosives is a horrible idea.

Further, when Tiny Tim's hand gets blown the fuck off as the result of your "decision" to arm him like Al Quaeda, I do not think that this whole Santa defense that you have conveniently worked into your Facebook status is going to hold up in a court of law. I mean yes the kids are going to LOVE Santa but I guarantee the ladies at the State Penn are going to LOVE your sweet ass so much more...

And finally, I love how you openly mock yourself-- assuming that last part about your parenting skills is sarcasm--and your decision to give them fireworks. At least when it's all over and Six Finger Samuel is out of the hospital, we can have a good laugh about it...I mean what is life without humor?

Merry Christmas indeed.

NYC Marathon Tips

As a runner of the NYC marathon last year, I have decided this qualifies me to start providing advice to other runners about this year's race. As a result, I am tweeting, facebook statusing, and gchat statusing my tips to the masses... but might as well add them here as well... so without further ado and in no real order... my tips for the marathon:

1. Don't drink the water or eat the hand sanitizer in the porta potties.

2. It is advisable to bring a blanket to the start of the NYC Marathon in order to keep yourself warm. It is not, however, advisable to name your kid, Blanket (See: Michael Jackson).

3. Pee in the streets... everyone else does anyway

4. It’s probably a 70-30 split on people who are actually screaming and cheering you on versus people who are actually just screaming cause they are crazy…

5. Lube...you figure it out.

6. During your taper a carton of Kools is a bad idea... Otherwise, game on.

7. when using a porta potty at the start do not bother to paper the seat... News flash you already decided to put your ass through a marathon.. Urine is not the deal breaker.

8. Go out with the kenyans... Seriously try to date one.. They win all the time and are probably loaded.

9. Things to drink during a marathon- water, gatorade, etc.... Things not to drink-piss.

10. Unicorns... Leprechauns... Big Foot... Things you will see while running a marathon or while on good acid.

11. The first beer you have after a marathon is like that the first beer you had when you were twelve i.e. delicious.

12. In the words of Ron Burgundy: " I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild."

13. There are many other activities that you can do that induce bowel failure.

14. Enjoy rediscovering stairs..

15. SHUT UP AND RUN- this is for your friends and family who are tired of hearing you talk and obsess

about the marathon... We get it ..just run the damn thing...

16. Phidippides died after the running the 26 miles to Athens... just sayin'...

17. Smelling like ass... So here is the deal... People decide to run but do not bathe and smell like ass.. How does one commit to train for a marathon but not to bathe?

18. The expression "Hitting the Wall"" should be replaced with "THE TAKING OF YOUR SOUL..."

19. I once felt really proud about the fact that I run marathons.. then I realized that Oprah ran one... (okay that's not a tip... I just hate Oprah)...

20. Think of the people with no legs... Okay, I am not sure what this means exactly or how it applies.. But my mother always said it to me when I felt sorry for myself.

21. A marathon that describes its course as scenic just means they are providing you with the opportunity to learn to hate mother nature over the course of 26.2 miles.

22. Carbo loading does not mean eating enough pasta to feed the entire country of Italy.. Just like hydrating does not mean drinking so much water you develop gills...

23. WINE! i am drinking it but those marathoners running tomorrow cannot.. Suckers..

24. Atleast your nipples won't bleed... Oh wait...

25. WTF 300 POUND MAN- I agree with you on this one and have no explanation as to how exactly he runs marathons without dying..

26. It's always the .2 that gets you...

26.2. To all the runners running the NYC marathon today... RUN LIKE HELL CAUSE I AM CHASING YOU.. BEST OF LUCK!

From Today's Great Headlines

Here is one from the New London Day:

Montville In Search Of The Happy Ending

This headline proves once again that I am still thirteen years as I chuckle everytime that I read it. Hey Montville, I know a place down here in the Big Apple where we can make sure you find what you are looking for.

My Month Of July Through The Eyes Of My Twitter Pants

1. Here is the month of july from last to first...as always in order to read this appropriately, please insert Dingle Jones in front of each of these:
   
   down to the baltimore to pay my respects to omar....11:54 PM Jul 31st from web
2. always wanted a guy named Victor on the Sox.4:15 PM Jul 31st from web
3. it's the Imaginary Invalid and it's funny... what more do u need:http://bit.ly/175lkZ11:00 AM Jul 30th from web
4. the debut.....http://bit.ly/4bhhEH12:37 AM Jul 29th from web
5. firm outing tomorrow... kill me.5:22 PM Jul 28th from web
6. Golf, Play, Yanks Game, Dram Shop, NYC Tri...I live my life.6:26 PM Jul 25th from web
7. Is pleading with ESPN to make Brett Favre go away.1:28 PM Jul 23rd from web
8. to help the fight: http://bit.ly/XUB9S6:00 PM Jul 22nd from web
9. just found an old piece of bacon on his desk and ate it.3:49 PM Jul 21st from web
10. says hey Rick just serve him the fucken breakfast!11:23 PM Jul 20th from web
11. good morning funny pants John Daly.10:19 AM Jul 18th from web
12. love seeing jerry jones and the word wax in the same sentence ...http://bit.ly/rFt3X1:56 PM Jul 17th from web
13. @sportsguy33 The Hold Steady's version of Atlantic City is a personal attack against Springsteen and his career. Terrible.11:11 PM Jul 16th from web in reply to sportsguy33
14. it's like if braveheart is on, my tired is a good tired.10:05 PM Jul 16th from web
15. hey Joe Buck nice to see you "think the national league is catching up".. stop using McCarver's brain!11:55 PM Jul 14th from web
16. to the person who has been outside my office all day with the megaphone... PLEASE TAKE YOUR MEGAPHONE AND SHOVE IT!3:57 PM Jul 13th from web
17. East Lyme CT and adult book stores... match made in heaven:http://bit.ly/1LoN511:08 AM Jul 10th from web
18. did not dunk on LeBron but his friend did block Vin Baker once.1:47 PM Jul 9th from web
19. is glad to see Nomar back and hates Julio Lugo.7:47 PM Jul 6th from web
20. glad to see Nomah back.7:34 PM Jul 6th from web

Today's Winner is....

Madame X: Daughter Y would be 3 for 3, but she made it all the way to the bathroom but just couldnt get her clothes off in time and pee pee'd on the floor in front of the potty!!! she gets an A+ for effort!!!

From Today's Facebook status update world of the absurd, we get this little number, which takes us through the daily pissings of the young daughter, who for the last week or so has been fighting an ongoing battle of making it to the toilet in time. Today, like many of us, she apparently had brought her daily record to 2-2 until this little disaster happened. (and yes as adults, we must admit that there are nights where we wake up panicking and realizing that we only have a matter of seconds to make it to the bathroom before we too piss our pants.)

Anyway, even though, I am now keeping a weekly scorecard to in order to calculate Daughter Y's weekly average (she currently hitting around .667 for the week), I just hope that this does not move onto bigger and shall we say more "solid" coverage in the weeks to come.

And as always, I hope this ends up somewhere down the road in Daughter Y's baby book so she can be regailed with her loving mother's daily updates of her successes and failures in the great pee pants wars of 2009.

We talking about baseball... man... baseball..

So Allen Iverson once groused about the fact that he was getting shit for not attending practice... it lead to a press conference where he went on for awhile about the ridiculousness of being condemned for not attending something that was in his mind meaningless (I could post the link but seriously have you seen it).... In my life, I consider the fact that the Red Sox cannot win a fucken baseball game to be on the level of Mr. Iverson's concerns about ridiculousness...

Here's the thing, the Sox have lost five straight and kind of look like they not only have never played baseball before but also like they are spending every post game staring down the bottle... I know they are the lovable losers (or is that the Mets, who apparently all have AIDS), but i mean jesus christ guys.. BUNT... seriously at this point, I just want to see you hit the ball....and get on base... My expectations are not big, but if I got the idea that anyone still gave a shit or was not resembling a meth clinic patient, then I would be more keen to the idea of following this team for the remainder of the season instead of worrying about this glass of wine in my hand will soon puncture my flat screen...

So Red Sox, just like practice, we talking about baseball man, baseball.... it's a game involving a bat and a ball where you try (and here is something astounding) to hit the fucken ball... so (mimicking ass slapping) get out there and figure that shiz out...

i beg of you.

WTF

Kevin Federline

Shocks Fans Over New Size

My question here is not that he got fat cause clearly he somehow pulled two of his remaining three brain cells together to conceive the plan to marry Britney Spears, get her pregnant, and then divorce her in order to ensure that he had money to eat for the rest of his life. No that is not the question.. Instead the question is.. WHO ARE HIS FANS? I mean seriously, does he have a career? I mean what does he do? I know he tried to rap but I kind of figured that was a single album and then him and Vanilla Ice retired to Provincetown together. But hey apparently he has fans or atleast some cult that follows him around... and now they are shocked that the former dancer turned Mr. Spears turned pseudo failed rapper now spends his days munching on twinkies, wearing XXXL shirts, and playing golf... But hey we all have to have our causes.,..

So for shame Mr. Federline... you fat bastard.. for shame!

Twitter

Here is how i roll.. (insert the name Dumb Ass in front of each so as to read Dumb Ass says....)

1. will now retire from running... http://bit.ly/iy5DO4:58 PM Jun 30th from web
2. is done with this week.4:00 PM Jun 30th from web
3. damn damn damn4:29 PM Jun 28th from web
4. 2-1.. time to dig in.3:41 PM Jun 28th from web
5. LANDON DONOVAN FINALLY SHOWS UP IN AN INTERNATIONAL SOCCER MATCH!3:01 PM Jun 28th from web
6. grind him!2:52 PM Jun 28th from web
7. DEMPSEY DEFLECTS FOR A GOAL!!!2:44 PM Jun 28th from web
8. flush Kaka!2:13 PM Jun 28th from web
9. wonders if the second round of the nba draft should just be resolved by cage match style elimination2:46 PM Jun 26th from web
10. Don't Stop Til You Get Enough11:08 PM Jun 25th from web
11. this description of Hasheem Thabeet is dead on "the projected number two pick has about as much offense as Screech Powers on a first date."10:38 AM Jun 25th from web
12. Five Game Lead.11:52 AM Jun 24th from web
13. Midtown Rocks! http://bit.ly/du32o12:26 PM Jun 20th from web
14. likes his chances.. http://bit.ly/2bLojK11:47 PM Jun 18th from web
15. thinks the U.S. Open will be finished sometime next week.11:57 AM Jun 18th from web
16. just found out a new Jennifer Aniston Movie is being filmed outside his apartment tonight... where is my Angelina Jolie poster?9:46 PM Jun 17th from web
17. bite me Joe Buck: http://bit.ly/16HYG91:55 PM Jun 16th from web
18. became a fan of whipe out today. judge away!8:10 PM Jun 14th from web
19. is glad the sox got to use the broom... bring on the phillies...3:28 PM Jun 12th from web
20. has three days until the Brooklyn Half... and thinks that Stan Van Gundy is taking Mike Brown to coaching school.... (two topics one post)12:45 PM May 27th from web
21. porkchops or seagulls?4:50 PM May 1st from web
22. expects more out of Jon Lester10:47 AM Apr 9th from web
23. You are disgusting11:54 AM Mar 28th, 2007 from web