LEG TWO: A DAY OF RAINY TRAVEL DURING WHICH I THINK I SEE NOAH BUILDING AN ARK

12:00 PM: Departing Rockville, MD: We leave our gracious host after a great diner breakfast. It turns out that this will be the last really good meal that we have for the remainder of the trip since we apparently decided to dine only at place's that will never be even considered for Zagat's much less reviewed by them. The weather on this morning is a warm rain that varied from torrential downpour to torrential downpour. On the way to the breakfast spot, we pass atleast two individuals who are standing outside in this weather with placards on that ask passerby's to stop at whatever shop they are standing in front of. I wonder if this actually makes people stop because they feel sorry for these soaked souls or do people stop in order to kick the ass of the individual who sent this sucker out into this rain in the first place.

Before truly leaving Rockville, we have our first official notation of our faithful steed's mileage at 298707. We decide that a quick tour of DC is necessary... and so...



1:20 PM: DC In Our Rearview Mirror: 298719: During our extremely brief tour, we still manage to see Georgetown, the White House, the Washington Monument, the Capitol Building, the National Archives, a little rowing on the Potomac, and K-Street to boot. While we never left the confines of the faithful steed at any of these locations, I still feel we got to see some cool sites and got a good flavor for DC, which looks pretty gloomy when it is pouring rain outside.

Bob Jingle currently has to pee, but no matter what, we are heading south where the wind comes sweeping down the plain,.. where the waiving wheat it sure smells sweet.... but i digress.... Next Stop: destiny.

1:50 PM: Traffic in Northern VA: The random on the mp3 player is playing Runaway Train by Soul Asylum. Nothing really says roadtrip like the sweet musings of Dave ??? (last name unknown at the present time... text messages are sent to ascertain his last name.) Actually, there are a lot of songs that probably say roadtrip other than the random's current selection, but the random giveth and the random taketh away.

While waiting for this traffic to clear up, Bob Jingle asks Dirty Diz, whose current band is called the New Heathens, "New Heathens? Was there an Old Heathens?" Mr. Jingle's query is met with stark silence as both Diz and E "mother fucken" T stare at him evily. (Note: In real time, a large woman just entered the bathroom on my current voyage back to the Big Apple. Now, I am not Nostradomus, but I guarantee this is going to end very badly for myself and my fellow members of the back of the bus mafia. We may have to order a code red after this one. Thankfully, she returns after only thirty seconds in the bathroom, but is quickly followed by a boy, who appears to be under the age of 10 and thus does not probably know the rules since his parents have most likely neglected to inform the young buck of the rules of the road. Parents do us all a solid and school your children so that I don't have to. You won't like it when I do it.)

2:22 PM: 298750: After pissing ourselves, we see a trucker dumping out his own gallon size piss bottle on the side of the road. Well done, road warrior... well done.

2:24 PM: Diz takes over the book for the only time on the roadtrip as I need a break. After handing him the book and the red pen that I have been using for some time now, he writes: " I am informed that we are red pen mode. Authorities have been notified."

2:45 PM: From a source unknown, we learn that the name of Soul Asylum's lead singer is Dave Pirnier.

2:45 PM (Entry Two): Alternative title for this trip, Sherman's March.

2:50 PM: Currently following LI Egg on Route One, screw 95. Diz also writes that he just punched the rearview mirror. Bob Jingle says, "I am turning worse to you." Meaning and context are unknown.

(Note: reading all of this as I presently sit in traffic on the Greyhound shuttle to hell, I have no recollection of any of this stuff ever happening. From the way my memory has been functioning lately, I am lucky I remember that we went on a roadtrip. As another aside, I believe that the young buck just went for round two in the crapper, I am not going to stand for this much longer, my justice will be swift, but fair.)

5:16 PM: Near Williamsburg, VA: Mileage: 298866: We are on Scherman's March to the Sea. Currently, we have conquered Fredericksburg and are now marching onward to the Atlantic Ocean. Good luck and God bless our quest! We are wet and many of the men have scurvy. Hopefully, we will find food and safe water soon or else many will die. Our path is true, and our hearts are pure. Onward, we march. (Note: I clearly broke out the bong at this point of the trip.)



5:32 PM: Busch Gardens, VA: I say NO to the 52 dollar entry fee to the park. Dirty Diz's dreams of having fun on the roadtrip are crushed by my selfish decision, and he starts to have flashback's to family trips of the past, Kharma strikes me down as a I spill a road soda all over my crotch. We continue onward to VA beach.

6:00 PM: VA Beach: Mileage: 298, 911: Diz has to piss bad. I silently hope that he pees himself. I am a bad friend.

And as luck would have it that is where I stopped writing for the evening with Diz on the side of the road near some military base pissing his brains out while cars rushed by at 60+ miles per hour shaking our faithful steed to the core. It continued to rain as we entered the main strip of VA beach in search of a hotel and a bite to eat. (Note: on my own current journey, we have reached the giant driving range off of 95 near COOP City. For those of you who drive, you will know this area as the place where traffic comes to a dead stop no matter what time of year it is becauuse of the giant curve in the road. As well, I can hear someone towards the front of this shit mobile clipping their finger nails. God Iove that sound, and by love, I mean I want to find that person and personally remove each of their finger nails with some pliers and some rubbing alcohol...)