Irrational Fear # 356

From the outside looking in, New York City would appear to be the land of opportunity for many things. In terms of dating, the City with its massive population would seem to be a veritable candy store for us single warriors who walk its streets a soldier and fight the world alone...AND NOW IT'S... 18 and life... (whoops, I just slipped into Skid Row mode there for a second)

Back on topic, the law of averages if applied to the single population of New York City basically dictates that in theory there should be a better chance to meet that special someone here or at very least, it would appear that there would not be a problem finding yourself a date in this gigantic City since there are so many different opportunities. Of course, in reality, the situation is more complex than that because the fact that New York City is so big probably makes it twice as hard if not more to actually meet someone because people here tend to have their guard up a bit more than anyone else. Why, you ask? Because just as there is a greater potential to meet people, there is also a greater chance to meet psychopaths who would like nothing more than to take you to dinner and then eat you for dessert...or just enjoy a little necrophilia. (look it up, it ain't pretty.)

What ever the actual reality of the potential for dating is in this fine ass City of mine, my reality is that since moving to this City, I can count the number of dates that I have actually gone on, on my left hand. For the record, I believe the number is five. (In comparison, the dates with my right hand, well we could be counting for a while.) The numbers do not lie, people, the fact of the matter is that I have not exactly been slaying the ladies since I made my move here from the Nutmeg State. (Of course, slaying may be the wrong word to use right here considering I just mentioned necrophelia and psychopaths previously in this entree... i mean entry. dammit!)

But now with all that I have realized in the past month or so i.e. when you spend 12 hours a day writing a stupid blog, you better run a shit load or else your ass becomes HUGE and that no matter how long you sit on a couch in front of a window, no lady is ever going to walk up to said window and ask you on a date. I have begun to consider exactly what my options are for getting my shit back in the proverbial game as it were... oh it were believe me. Of course, talking and doing are two completely different things and in terms of having any type of game or capability of meeting anyone, I tend to be less than successful in this area. (I believe the kids would say that I lack game... I wish the kids would come over to my apartment so I could give them a mouth full of bloody chicklets.)

Part of the problem is:

First, I don't try to pick ladies up at bars... that is sketchy and if I was a lady, which I am not, I would find it to be sketchy or atleast, I would seriously consider whether or not I was going to wake up in the guy;s bed the next day or at the bottom of the East River.

Second, I don't necessarily drink anymore, which means that in all social settings, I have eliminated the liquid courage portion of my game (i call it that loosely) in swooning the opposite sex. On second thought, this is probably a good thing because liquid courage in the past simply amounted to excessive amounts of liquid slurring and later in the evening, liquid spinning followed shortly thereafter by either one of its cousins, liquid vomiting or liquid passing out.

And finally, I don't know necessarily try to meet anyone. I acknowledge that this is completely my own fault as I am the only one that I can blame for being really lazy and enjoying my couch a little more than a human being should, atleast legally. On a side note, apparently, I have been enjoying the couch so much lately that tonight when I finally moved after a solid three hours on it, my roommate actually gasped and wondered if everything was ok. In the end, I guess I am not really into the whole effort thing and maybe that has to do with some crazy cracked out fear of rejection (which is not Irrational Fear #356). Actually it has everything to do with a fear of rejection, but I am not going to psychoanalyze this part of my life any further because I only got my minor in psychology (actually I also minored in sociology, yeah I DOUBLE MINORED.. talk about a loser) and thus, I am not qualified to delve into this any further or atleast I can use this as my cop out excuse to move this sucker along.

All of this leaves me with limited options in terms of meeting anyone, barring of course an act of God or a decision to act in a proactive manner and leave the couch, which seems highly unlikely.
Of course, there is always Irrational Fear #356 i.e. what I really wanted to write about since the beginning of this long winded crapfest that you have been reading and that is entering the world of Online Dating.

Now before, I explain why I would rather attempt to date my sister than attempt this option, I must first explain that in no way, shape, or form, does what I am about to write discredit anyone that participates in this activity. This is my irrational fear. In fact, I am very good friends with someone who actually met the love of their life through this vehicle and will soon marry that person. There is no judgment being passed here nor is that the point of what follows.

Originally, to me, the world of online dating was a scary, dark place that was only used by old men who want to prey on young unsuspecting teenagers or by computer nerds, who had never been laid, which at this point probably qualifies me. I thought that only losers used this medium in order to have some kind of hope of not dying alone as in my mind, online dating amounted to an internet support group for the damned. Now, this preconception is pretty harsh and at the present time, I no longer think any of these thoughts because of what I discussed above in that several of my close friends have used online dating to meet people that they are now very serious with. And these people are not pedophiles nor are they losers and/or virgins... they are actually well adjusted members of society... As a result, my preconceptions have been thrown out the window...

But this still leaves me with my fear of online dating. I am terrified to even try it. I mean I know that through things like match.com or e-harmony, they take all of your attributes and then match you 69 ways till sunday with potential dates or if I want to meet that little jewish girl that I always wanted, jdate is an option.

But that does not change the fact that I cannot even wrap my head around the concept of online dating itself and how it works because to me, online dating is like when you try to teach a grandparent how to use the internet. It is just beyond their comprehension because their minds are not wired to accept what you are trying to explain to them. The same thing happens when people try to have a rational conversation with me about online dating. My ears and thus, my mind, listen to what that person is saying but compute what is actually being said like the person is speaking like parents in the Peanuts cartoons. No matter how much people try to tell me about it, the less I actually hear. (And yes, I am close minded, but this is an irrational fear.)

My anxiety and fears get even worse when I think about what would happen if I ever got matched with someone or whatever it is called in this strange world. I mean how would I ever show up to meet someone that I do not even know? What the hell is that all about? What would I say to them? Who would sign up for such a situation willingly? The whole concept just seems downright tortuous and frought with potential rejection. I would rather chew glass.

And I do not know how to change any of these fears. I mean it has gotten to the point is that I cannot even bring myself to enter the websites into my web browser to learn about what is out there for me. I actually think at this point, I could be diagnosed with an honest to god phobia. It's crazy shit. But I guess when I get to the core of this problem I just am not prepared to put my fate in the hands of the internet gods and rely on them to find a suitable match for me, which is kind of interesting since the only thing I have found a perfect match with on my own in the last month is my sweet ass couch. And unfortunately that is where I will most likely remain for the foreseeable future, waiting either for divine intervention or for my testicles to drop so that I actually get myself out there and do something about this present dilemma.

Once again, this requires some form of effort that at the present time, I am more eager to force you losers to read my complaints about than to actually exert any type of effort on my own... So I guess in the end, I should blame each of you since if you were not reading me whine like the little bitch that I am, it may actually force me to leave said couch and figure out where exactly "she" is eagerly waiting my arrival or at the very least what catalogue "she" needs to be ordered from.