Zen of Phil

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my grandfather and how he was a great man. His son, my father, Big Phil, is an equally great man, actually he is greater... I mean this is the man that gave me some of my most treasured qualities like my strapping good looks, my anger, my temper, my sense of humor, my love for beer, and of course, my giant Irish noggin'. Further, he never pressured me into doing any sports or to do anything really, but has always been there smiling with great pride whenever I do accomplish something... (Except when he found weed in my sock in high school, then the look was that of betrayal as he wanted to know why I was holding out on him...)

Our relationship over the years can be characterized as being less like that of a father and son and more like that of two brothers with him being the older and wiser brother and me being the younger and whinier piece of shit brother. With these roles defined, my father through the years has been there time and time again to keep me in line and to always lend a bit of advice or atleast commentary when he felt that I needed to realize the error of my ways or simply to inform me as to what he found wrong with the way I did something. (Note: I love the man, I do... It's just you tend to tune someone out when they try to teach the proper way to stack wood or load a canoe on a car for the thirty-thousandth time.)

Anyway, since the Big Guy has always provided me with little pearls of knowledge throughout my life, I have decided that I will provide you, my loyal readers, with some of this advice, free of charge from time to time so that you may better live your life's more in tune and aligned with the Zen of Phil.

Lesson 1: Sweating: Badge of Public Dishonor

I am a sweater, and thus, during the summer months of 300% humidity and 110 degree heat, I sweat constantly whether it be day or night, inside or outside, I sweat. Making matters worse, I do not have any hair or atleast it is usually really short and thus, there is nothing to absorb the sweat from my head. As a result, when I sweat it tends to run all over my head and face... it is a very cute image, I assure you.

Anyway, this summer while attending one of the many weddings that I went to in order to watch someone else progress closer to what society considers being an adult, I found myself sitting in a Congregational Church in Old Lyme, Connecticut. Conveniently, this church had clearly been built at some point during the 1800's, which was a period of time during which there was apparently no air conditioning. Thankfully, the church had decided to open its windows in order to allow the stagnant June heat and humidity inside in order to maintain the unnecessarily hot conditions.

As such along with my parents and sister, I found myself sitting in the pews sweating profusely like R. Kelly at a girl scout meeting, a whore in church, or two rats humping in a wool sock. (please take your pick) Of course, shortly after we sat down, my father noticed that I was sweating and proceeded to glare at me. My mother, god bless her soul, noticed as well but offered me a tissue to wipe my face down while my sister, another angel from heaven, looked to see if she had anything to help. My father, who apparently decided to ignore the reality of the day i.e. the 90 degree temperatures and the fact that I happened to be wearing a GOD DAMN suit, stared increduously. Of course, he could not leave it at that, I mean the man has to comment and put his two cents in.... and so this is what followed:

Dad (in a semi-hushed tone): Andy, andy, what is wrong with you? Why are you sweating?
Me: (ignoring him.)
Dad (not satisfied and clearly thinking I had lost hearing, now louder): ANDY, ANDY, what is WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SWEATING SO MUCH?
Me (finally giving in): I don't know why I am fucken sweating....
Mom: (shaking her head and looking away)
Sister: (looking for other seating)
Dad (clearly not understanding this answer): WOULD YOU JUST STOP SWEATING...

Now, clearly, in retrospect, I feel bad about swearing at my friend's wedding before the ceremony in the church, but did I have an alternative. I mean I could have cut out the vulgarity but that was to drive home a point that I could not control the sweating since Mother Nature had clearly conspired against me and my fellow man to create sweat-only conditions. Maybe I should have given my father a more complete answer such as "Sorry dad, I did not get my heroine fix today, and thus I am going through a wee bit of withdrawal right now. If you could just take me to the nearest methadone clinic between the ceremony and the reception, I should be able to get this all straightened out so I can dance my ass off into the night."

And clearly, I feel bad that my mother and my sister had to endure this disagreement between my father and I... Of course, they have had to endure many of these over the years, and I believe that they are secretly running a pool amongst our family members and friends as to how much time will pass from the time we first see each other to when we have one of these spats... I wonder what the "buy in" is and how I can get in on that action...

But here is the thing, there was nothing wrong with the fact that I was sweating while sitting in an un-airconditioned church during the summer with a suit on... As a matter of fact, there were a number of other people including my own father sweating in the pews surrounding us... Moreover, the ushers were giving out bottles of water so that people would not pass out while at the church.

And yet, Dad decided that it was time to make sure that I knew that he did not think that I should be sweating at that particular moment regardless of the fact that it was beyond my ability to control it. Instead, he wanted me to figure out a way to shut my own body down defying the rules of human physiology. And that is why I love my dad... he always wants me to strive for the best and to make the impossible possible....Even if it means some type of near death experience.

So go forth with your day today, tomorrow, or whenever, and just remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing Phil is there watching to make sure that regardless of the temperatures, you are not sweating. Please try your best to appease him or else he will judge you. Or atleast, blame it on me.