The Agency America Really Needs

My buddy, Bob Jingle, appears to be threatened by my current posting frequency, or maybe, he is just jealous and has blogger envy. For the record, this is not the first time in our lives that he has wanted to be as cool as me... I mean I remember when we were little, and I used to kick his ass at basketball... He would always cry and run home... Oh wait, that was me....dammit... Whatever the case maybe, I did not want to disappoint him and fail to post....

So today, I take on a crisis that has gripped our society and warrants national attention....

I was in my favorite store today, DU-ON Re-DAY, when I realized that George W. Bush is really missing the boat with his focus on the war on terror. Now, I know what you are thinking, HERE WE GO AGAIN with another "anti-Bush, Iraq is wrong" rant... and while, I would love at some point to address a foreign policy that is shamefully disguised as a type of "What Would Jesus Do" quest for the betterment of the World in order to mask the true motives of hubris, greed, and manipulation, I believe that there is a bigger problem that faces America on a daily basis that President Bush seems oblvious to... Shocking I know...This is a problem that I hinted at in my Rooster piece but failed to properly flesh out... And that is why I am now writing and asking that President Bush immediately create, "The Department for the Control, Limitation, and Containment of Holiday Decoration, Sales, and Promotion" or DCLCHDSP for short.

I mean why in God's name is Duane Reade selling Halloween shit in the middle of August? Are they concerned that October 31st is going to sneak up on people? Is there suddenly going to be an epidemic that erases the concept of time from the minds of all of mankind? Or do people need that much time to properly plan for holidays? Moreover, this marketing scam is not simply limited to Halloween because you know that as soon as we get near Halloween, Thanksgiving merchandise will come out, followed by Christmas stuff into New Year's, then Valentine's Day leading to Easter and then onto GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT OTHER HOLIDAY THEY ARE GOING TO FIND IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT THE AMERICAN PUBLIC IS PREPARED JUST IN CASE THE CALENDAR SUDDENLY SKIPS AHEAD TWO FUCKEN MONTHS WITHOUT NOTICE...OR ALL THE STORES ARE CLOSED FOR FOUR WEEKS BEFORE THE ACTUAL HOLIDAY...

The sad truth of the matter is that the stores stock their shelves this prematurely because there is a market for this crap.... I mean these are holidays people, start thinking about them three weeks before if you need to because gearing up over two and half months before might just be a little too much preparation... (breath, it will be ok)...

And that is why government intervention is now necessary. We can no longer control ourselves. Instead, we are brainwashed into going out and preparing for holidays like we are stockpiling provisions before a great war... With government assistance, the stores will be forced to set a time period closer to the actual holiday dictating when it is acceptable to put out their holiday-themed wares... Thus, saving us from our own devices...

So President Bush, please forget your goals abroad and help your people at home fight against the farce that is the excessive whoring of our holidays by retailers... Create this new Department and liberate us from the our constant urge to buy every possible holiday themed item in order to make our next holiday perfect....

More importantly, help us El Presidente because right now, we have thirty-five pumpkins and seventy-five bags of candy that we have to figure out what to do with for the next two and half months...