Eternal Sadness

My grandfather died just before I finished my second year of law school. I remember getting the message from my mother when I was in Virginia playing in a softball tournament. There I was hundreds of miles away crying in a hotel room thinking about how badly I wanted to be in Connecticut at the time. My grandfather was a truly great man, who always laughed and taught me a lot about being a solid human being.

Death came to him quickly as he had been diagnosed with cancer the year before and sadly, his health faded thereafter. I remember that phone call as well because it was the night after my last exam as a 1L when my sister called saying that Grandpa had cancer. I did not realize the severity at the time. As time progressed, however, it became very apparent that no treatment could save him, and it was just a matter of time. Complicating matters was the fact that right before I went to law school while I was rowing in Great Britain, my grandmother, his wife, had a severe stroke that to this day has left her in a nursing home. Until the end, my grandfather spent all of his time visiting her daily and as a result, exhausting himself to the point that I often wonder if he weakened his body allowing the cancer to infest it.

It was a weird experience because my whole family was very sad when the end came, but at the same time, when you watch someone suffer like that right before your eyes, all you really want is for the end to come so that the pain can be no more. Sadly, my grandmother never really knew that he was sick because my grandfather never told her since he wanted to appear strong for her and to be there for her as he had been his entire life. Moreover, making the whole thing more tragic is that my grandmother's mind has been so affected by the stroke that she does not truly comprehend the passage of time. As a result, it appears that she lives each day thinking that my grandfather has not been gone for almost five years now. Instead, the memory remains fresh in her mind. (I do not know if this is actually true or a defense mechanism to never forget about him. The truth probably lies somewhere in between)... This makes the entire grieving process for her that much more difficult as she still cries on a daily basis. (I think she would do this anyway)

I thought about all of this today for the first time in a long time as a result of something that happened to me when I actually left the house for a brief couple of minutes to go and buy a toothbrush. While, I was at the drugstore where I bought said toothbrush, there was an old woman there, who was rambling on with the clerk about a variety of subjects. When I approached the counter, he gave me a look of do not mind her as he proceeded to ring up my purchases.

At this point, I said something to the effect of, "Man, she really likes to talk..." (Note: she had walked to the back of the store at this point) In response, he explained to me that she was there everyday sometimes before the store would open. Then, he hit me with the knee buckler as he told me that recently her husband had passed away, and suddenly, I understood why she was there each day...

Like my grandmother, she now finds herself alone without the person that she had vowed to remain with until death do us part. I guarantee that although she made this solemn vow she never truly comtemplated that one day, she would find herself alone without the love of her life. And now, she simply wanted someone to talk to so that she could do something else in order to get away from her internal sadness. I cannot fathom what it must be like to come home to an empty house and an empty bed where the person you shared decades of your existence with used to be and then, have to deal with this on a daily basis... And then again, I think that you must try and remember all the good times you had and maybe when you find some clarity, you take some solice in the fact that you had the opportunity to share those moments with that person... It all is just very sad to me.

I am not sure if any of what I just wrote has a point nor do I want to wrap it up into a neat little life lesson for you to carry forth after you read this entry... I guess I just needed to write about it since I cried today missing my grandfather for the first time in a very long time while simultaneously wishing that I could see my grandmother right now in order to give her a great big hug...