Doing Myself A Solid

Recently, a person that I care for deeply asked me why I am always so critical of myself and generally unhappy with everything that I do on a daily basis. This individual wondered (this person's words follow and not mine) how a person with so much potential and ability can live their life feeling essentially defeated at the end of each day. (ok I paraphrased)...

But in a nutshell, these comments are pretty much dead on in describing how I have been living my life as of late. I have spent a lot of time self-loathing and feeling really sorry for myself when in reality, I should be happy or atleast making some kind of progress to achieve whatever the fuck happiness is...Instead of seeing the tree before the proverbial forest.. (is that right?)

Note: My mother, who always gives sage advice, has always told me whenever I have been sad or down, to "think of the people with no legs."

Note further: She once sent me a picture of a person with no legs with a handwritten caption, "THEY DO EXIST!!!"

Mom makes some good points, but I am not sure that happiness is as simple as that... But it is a point well-taken... And one that I am sure she swears by...

As a result of all of these factors and as I have written about, I left for Vegas with a festuring desire to return therefrom with a plan. Now, originally, I was very hesitant to discuss any plan that I devised since such action has the potential of blowing up in my face and thus, being nothing but lip service... HOWEVER, I have decided to say fuck it and write down atleast the first part of my plan so that I have something to hold myself to as a sort of a goal for the next thirty days of my life.

Fuck it, here it goes...

The first phase of the plan is actually pretty simple. For the next thirty days, I am not going to indulge in any drugs or alcohol in order to use this time as a form of detox and to see what the hell this world is like if I am sober as well as what one does exactly when they are sober. Both of these concepts are extremely frightening to me and should be considerable challenges.

During that time, I will keep you, my five loyal readers, posted on my progress (probably not every day since the weekends are when the rubber hits the road) and vow to let you know when and if I fail.

Note: Failure would be a true kick in the junk and possibly an indication of a bigger problem.

Now, at the end of the thirty days, I am not going to head out on a binge or flush these next thirty days down the toilet. In reality as stated above, thirty days is just a short-term goal that is pretty arbitrary, but I need to take this first step in order to achieve a larger goal of living a lifestyle that I consider to be healthy and conducive to be happy. It's going to be one hell of a ride..

By the way, today was day 1.... 29 to go...