Assessing the Quest (Day 13)

Today is a beautiful Saturday in New York City. There is a crisp wind cooling everything down, but enough sun to allow New Yorkers to wear shorts and a t-shirt. Of course with weather like this, I find myself inside thinking and writing. And the funny thing is, I could not be happier right now. I mean almost two weeks ago, I decided to take a step back and gain some perspective about my life. And so far, I cannot believe that I spent so many of the last couple of years living it the way that I did.

Now, I do not want to overstate this life change and thus trivialize anything that I did in the past because I do not regret a single thing that I have done in my life up until this point. I truly believe you have to live your life in order to figure out your life. As well, for most of the past couple of months/years, I have had a pretty solid grasp on my life as it was not until just recently that things got wickedly out of control. Also, I do not want to continue to harp on this issue and constantly correlate not drinking or whatever to my new found take on things. It certainly has something to do with it, but there are many other factors including the fact that I also stopped being a self-loathing son of a bitch... (It could also do with the fact that I just sniffed glue... that was a joke people)

Additionally, I do not want to become one of those "high and mighty" types who frowns upon people that live their lives differently than I do now or constantly preaches about sobriety as the answer to the meaning of life and/or the Secret of Nimh. I will never do that because people find happiness and are comfortable in their own skins through their own paths in life and I find it to be the definition of hypocrisy for another human being to tell someone else how to live their lives... That is why I cannot stand Born Again Christians, but that is another story for a different day...

Moreover, there is nothing wrong with a little indulgence as long as it is not the only thing that you live for. In my case, it was quickly becoming the only thing that I lived for as I began to planning my daily life around being able to drink five to six beers each evening. I remember sitting at work thinking about getting home as soon as I could so that I could go to the store and get something to drink. While running, I would think about how quickly I could get back to the house so that I could crack that first beer.... I am not kidding! This is all I wanted to do. It got to the point where I would experience withdrawal/anxiety about drinking to the point where I could not sit still, and my heart would simply pound like it wanted out of my chest.. And that is what scared me about all of this... I mean I love a good beer, but I should not need a good beer in order to live a normal life...

Further, I am sorry to those close to me that I never truly discussed this issue with and thus kept you in the dark. You know exactly who you are and I wish I had handled it all very differently. But I truly was in denial about my own reality, and there is nothing I could have done about that state of my existence. Just remember that without you, I would never have figured this out and I will be forever grateful for that...

Finally, I am not unfurling some banner and declaring Mission Accomplished just yet. (I know I used that as the title for one of my entries, but that was just for making it through the weekend.) I am on a very strange ride right now, one that I will continue to struggle with, learn from, and work on each day... and I am truly uncertain as to where at the end of the day, I will end up....

But for now, I am happy... and that is all I ever really wanted...